It’s that time of year again when that one friend starts decorating way too early for Christmas, which inevitably reminds you that you should start thinking about buying some gifts for people.

More than likely, you’re going to be eyeing up some hot new tech toys this year. The hottest trend in tech this holiday shopping season? Why, surveillance capitalism of course!

Surveillance capitalism: What’s that (and how do I get me some)?

Shoshana Zuboff, who basically coined the term, defines surveillance capitalism as  “The monetization of free behavioral data acquired through surveillance and sold on to entities with an interest in your future behavior.” Or more plainly: “Big tech companies listening and monitoring everything you do to sell your data so other people can influence your behavior and sell you more stuff. But you’re totally fine with it because, hey, sweet iPhone.”

Great? So who got the hottest Surveillance tech for the Holidays? Here a breakdown of my favorites:

RemoteLock LS-5i Deadbolt Lock

Smart locks don’t get all the attention, but they still deserve a mention this holiday. I mean, who doesn’t want a lock that knows if you are home with the door unlocked? I’m sure they are completely unhackable and you should totally place your family’s safety in their hands. Just don’t forget to pay your monthly fee for the lock.

 


 

iPhone X.

Who doesn’t want that slick new iPhone X? As if you weren’t already satisfied with Facebook using your phone’s microphone to listen to what you were doing or sending your fingerprints to the FBI, now the police can unlock your phone with just your face! How great is that? Your benevolent tech overlords know exactly where you are and what you look like. Don’t worry, I’m sure they would never do anything unscrupulous with that information.

 


 

HiMirror Smart Beauty Mirror

It’s a mirror with a camera that connects to the internet so you can send out pictures of your imperfect naked body to look up whatever weird skin conditions you might have. If WebMD taught us anything, it’s that regardless of the symptoms, everyone has cancer.

 


 

Google Home

Google is pushing back hard against Amazon’s Echo with their own line of smart home wiretap devices. Just plug one of these beautifully-designed robot spies into your living room to let Google know every dumb thing you and your family utter in private! These little buggers are always listening, so they can serve up the weather, share some inane bit of trivia, or just send all your private conversations to Big Brother. Not recommended for anyone plotting to overthrow a government.

So there you have it, the best in surveillance capitalism for the 2017 holidays! If you’re fine with letting that creeper Santa Claus in your house to bring you gifts, I don’t want to hear any concerns about privacy and security!

Platform Beer Co
  • Dave Skorepa

    Dave Skorepa is Chief Creative Officer at Aztek Web in Cleveland, Ohio.

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