1. WAKE UP AND SMELL THE ROSES
People in relationships anticipate this day like it’s Christmas. How will they show their love? Let me count the ways. Chocolates. Flowers. Maybe a teddy bear. But God forbid you fuck it up; your significant other may bite their tongue instead of your head off, but you can be damn sure they’ll never forget how shitty your gesture was. All this pressure, and for what? Instead of hunting for a perfect gift or feeling dissatisfied after you receive a bad one, remember: it’s the thought that counts, right?
2. GIVE AND TAKE
Yes, Valentine’s Day has become a very materialistic holiday. It’s kind of gross sometimes. Then again, there’s no harm in a few simple gifts! You could give a pair of earrings or anal beads any time, but if you do it on V-Day, haters will claim you’re just another cog in the machine helping to feed the corporate beast. And maybe you are, but who cares? It’s your money, you spend it on dumb shit all the time—spend away.
3. NO RESERVATIONS
On February 14th, while the celebrating couples are out on the town, thousands of lonely single people are denied access to their favorite restaurants and hotspots. To them it’s just another day, but they’re treated like lowly rejects and unloved outcasts. We could save a section just for them, just in case, but we don’t, because V-Day isn’t about love for all mankind. It’s couples only with call ahead seating.
4. NEVER BACK DOWN
Some haters are just failed lovers. For some reason they don’t have a special someone, but that won’t stop them, so celebrate they will. This is the type who made a reservation for one—months ago—eats fondue alone in the back of the restaurant, and stoically watches the surrounding lovebirds with disdain. They buy themselves a box of chocolate because it’s the day for it and hate-eat every last piece while marathoning a series of Julia Roberts movies because they haven’t figured out that you don’t have to celebrate the damn day if it doesn’t apply to you.
5. THE SHOW-OFFS
Whether or not you’re abstaining from V-Day or celebrating it with the appropriate amount of modesty, you’ll encounter such warriors of romance who feel obligated to share every detail of how great their day was. Flowers at work, a lavish dinner, diamonds, a mini-horse. It’s endless and it’s in your face. Your relationship is either less funded or non-existent, but they’re clearly insecure and trying to overcompensate. Instead of tuning them out, turn to them with a blank expression and an even blanker tone and say, “Wow Dave, we’re all really impressed,” and then walk away.
6. ALONE IN THE BARK
Somewhere in a dark room on Valentine’s Day, a lonely hater’s face is lit by the monitor of a computer as they feverishly spread Valentine hate across the web. Others preach their disgust out loud in public. They feel a sense of righteousness as they rage out, but they’re just as bad as the show-offs. Do yourself and those around you a favor and hate in a peaceful silence.
7. IT’S JUST ONE DAY?!
Rome, the city of
pizza love, wasn’t built in a day. Twenty-four hours shouldn’t be enough time to make or break a relationship, nor is it enough time to adequately celebrate the love of your life, yet studies show that Valentine’s Day causes a huge spike in break up rates due to big expectations and even bigger letdowns. Here’s an idea for you lovers out there: spread the amore throughout the year instead of shoving it all into a single limited time offer.
8. IT’S JUST ONE DAY…
Haters love to hate this day. They’ll say, “what about the other 364 days?” And they have a point. But doesn’t romance deserve a day to itself? If one day is that big of a struggle for you, treat yourself to a bottle of wine and sleep through the entire ordeal. If you need an extra incentive, wake up early on the 15th and hit up the stores for all the half-priced candy you can handle. At least it’s not another month of Christmas music. It’s one goddamn day. Get over it.