Join Adam as he takes everything you thought you knew about pop culture and entertainment, but actually…
Cartoons Should be President
The 2016 election of Donald Trump for the President of the United States ushered in a new age for many things. How you feel about these things may depend on your personal politics, or Russian stock portfolio. Either way, Trump has added a superficiality to the office of the President that former actor and President Ronald Reagan could never reach, and he starred opposite a chimpanzee. This celebritization (if that’s not a word, it should be) threatens to extend to further administrations if the rumors circulating about Rock “The Dwayne” Johnson and, most recently, Oprah running for President are to be believed. And since when can’t you trust a celebrity?
But before we have Aaron Sorkin scripting the West Wing for realsies, let’s maybe take a step back from the crazy ledge and take a look at other people with stupid names that would make better Commander-in-Chiefs, specifically, cartoon characters, because, actually… cartoons make better Presidents.
Let’s look at some examples you say? Get out of my head, and sure, let’s do that.
MICKEY MOUSE: Let’s start with a heavy hitter. The crown rodent in Disney’s empire, the mouse of the house knows how to bring in the cheddar and that’s gotta be good for the economy, right? I guess the fact that Disney Land interns have had to live in group share trailers near the park because one of the biggest corporations in the world can’t afford a living wage to the people who literally portray the faces of the company could be a campaign kerfuffle, but everyone likes iphones and their factory has suicide nets installed, so it’s a widening goalpost is all I’m saying.
And with Disney’s merger of Lucasfilms and Marvel, you know President Mouse, would be able to install a cabinet with Tony Stark as Secretary of Science or Commerce and Darth Vader as Secretary of Defense, who would be like Donald Rumsfeld but with a conscience.
OPTIMUS PRIME: Okay, so maybe not a natural born citizen but Ted Cruz wasn’t either and he almost won the 2016 Republican primary, and his dad shot JFK (some people are saying). Regardless of where he came from, the man/robot/truck? is for all intents and purposes a stand up character and more importantly, a war hero. We haven’t had one of those since Eisenhower.
Moreover, he would have an inarguable vested interest in funding repairs for roads and bridges across the nation. His only campaign hurdle may be his shifting positions on issues. Get it? Because he’s a Transformer. Puns. I have them.
BRIAN GRIFFIN: Sure, he’s a dog, but the way this country works I imagine we’d more likely see a canine president before a women anyway so let’s go with it. Brian is well-read and educated while also unflinchingly liberal and for the legalization of marijuana which bring bridge the gap between establishment Democrats and younger Green Party supporters. He’s anti-war, and even entered the armed forces for a brief period.
I imagine his rampant alcoholism and former cocaine addiction may be a issue, but actually… (insert photo of George W Bush here).
Oh, widening goalposts, that’s right, cool.
SNOW WHITE: Hey! Maybe a woman can President after all, and if so, Snow White would be ideal. She has a rags to riches story that the public will love. She has an unmistakable rapport with blue collar voters, the kind that whistle while they work, as well as the disabled, you know, the kind that also whistle while they work. Dopey was… you know, right? She even survived an assassination attempt after being poisoned KGB style by an old crone so you know she’s not afraid to come hard AF during international peace negotiations.
Also, I think she married a prince so that’s gotta help diplomacy, right?
BLACK DYNAMITE: Strong-willed, unshakable ethics, knows Kung Fu. Really, what else do you need? I already want to work his reelection campaign.
Black Dynamite is a community organizer that ran an orphanage he funded entirely out of pocket. Sure, the funds came from his role as a pimp that operated out of said orphanage, but that only proves his record as a jobs creator. And let’s not forget the man can run on a bevy of past experience including a career as a top CIA operative and a soldier who fought in Vietnam. If that wasn’t enough, then you’re crazy, but sure, I’ll continue, he’s also averted multiple race wars and killed Black Jaws. So there.
COBRA COMMANDER: Let me finish! Okay, sure, he’s kind of a terrorist, but hear me out (man, that does not sound good out loud). His sworn enemy is G.I. Joe but are we sure Joe isn’t just a rogue private military contractor and Cobra Commander isn’t just defending his beleaguered nation of… Snakeland?
I’m not really sure where C.O.B.R.A. is from it turns out.
Anyway, the guy runs a tight ship. Just look at all the disparate tacticians, fighters, and would be despots he’s brought under his banner- a ninja, a guy with a metal face, just to name a few. And let’s talk about that banner, sure, the stars and bars are “fine” but our flag would look hella badass with a snake on it. Think about it, who’s going to mess with a country with a fucking snake on their flag? He may be a bit of a war hawk, but the upside to that is all of his schemes and plots always unravel within thirty minutes anyway. Just imagine a President whose tweets threatening global thermonuclear war are put to rest in the time it takes to do your laundry rather than hanging over our heads for weeks at a time.
Like I said, widening goalposts.
“SUPER” MARIO: Mario Mario (yes, that’s his real name) is a dyed in the wool man of the people. No animated candidate would pull in more blue collar voters than a plumber. Remember when John McCain desperately tried courting “Joe the Plumber’s” vote? No? Yeah, that’s probably for the best. In either event, Mario is going to run an administration that focuses on the job sector and would most likely support the unions and teamsters, considering his own profession.
Also, not to bury the lead but he also saved an entire kingdom from a giant lizard/turtle/dinosaur thing that spit fire. So there’s that. I suppose he did kill a lot of turtles and those brown poop looking things so PETA may have an issue. He would also have to take a mental fitness test first because, let’s face it, he’s probably sustained hella concussions jumping headfirst into hundreds of brick blocks throughout his adventures.
Also, you’re clearly doing something right if Captain Lou Albano and Bob Hoskins portray you in real life, amirite?