Illustration by Jason Feiler
It’s the season for everyone’s favorite dress-up holiday and what better way to celebrate Halloween than by celebrating the best Head of State of 2018: President Donald Trump. Instead of parading around in the same signature Donald wig and suit from last year, put a new spin on the tired old costume by adding a fresh coat of pun. After all, the world needs more Trumps out there.
Artist of the Deal
Not a lot of people know this, but Donald J. Trump is quite the artiste when it comes to the joy of deal-making. In homage to Trump’s mastery of both business and the arts, this costume blends our President with everyone’s favorite happy-tree painter, Bob Ross. You’ll need a uniquely fluffy yellow afro and beard, a denim shirt, jeans, and a pair of Trump Tower elevator shoes to look the tallest. Next, grab your checkbook, an easel and brush, and don’t forget a tube of orange paint—face paint, that is.
Mother Goose’s classic nursery rhyme has taken a hilarious new twist since Trump was elected. Trumpty Dumpty, much like his predecessor Humpty, is all about that wall. Except Trumpty’s got a big wall—the biggest!—keeping our border secure and paid for by Mexico. So craft yourself a giant paper mache egg costume big enough to slip under an XXXXL Trump Collection suit. Ideally, the completed costume will be akin to Trump’s presidency: absurd, unwieldy, and ready to crack.
With a bewildering level of charm and influence, our 45th President is so charismatic he may have been burned at the stake for witchcraft if this were 1690s Salem. Let’s bring a little black magic to the White House and give the Donald a wicked makeover. Start with your pre-loaded Trump hair and suit and slip on the standard rags for any celebrity apprentice of sorcery—a black, pointed hat, cloak, and stockings. Now you’re ready to hop on a broomstick and make abracadabra great again.
In just two years, President Trump has already strengthened relations with unhinged dictators Vlad and Kimmy, but he’s still at odds with his arch-nemesis—comedian and activist Rosie O’Donnell. They’ve publicly exchanged insults, referring to each other as “slob,” “pig,” or “monster.” Naturally, this mash-up get-up will be in a league of its own. Dust off the Trump wig, put some rosy red blush over those spray tanned cheeks, and slip into a pink Rockford Peaches uniform. There’s no crying in politics!
The Fourth Term-inator
Forget Roosevelt. If there was ever a President destined to defy the 22nd Amendment and declare “I’ll be back—after my second term,” it’s the Donald. Imagine a futuristic cyborg Trump sent back in time from the year 2029 and you’ve got the idea for this one. Strap on the Trump wig, sunglasses, and a leather coat. Hybrid one liners are mandatory. Try barking “You’re fired” in an Austrian accent while resisting the urge to deport yourself. How do you say “Hasta la vista, baby” in American?
Lady & the Trump
For the couples out there looking to match at the Halloween party, here’s the double-decker of Donald duds: A presidential adaptation of Disney’s Lady and the Tramp. One of you plays the Trump, a loveable mongrel of a man-dog, decked head to toe in flappy yellow fur. Instead of our favorite Cocker Spaniel heroine, the other dresses as a sexy, yet crazed cat lady looking to share a spaghetti strand with the Commander in Heat. Cat ladies beware, a mutt like the Trump is likely to grab for the pussy.