This year for Valentine’s Day I got the chance to sit down the man himself, Baby Cupid, to discuss love, life, and so much more.
Chad: So Baby Cupid, how have you been?
Baby Cupid: I’ve been good Chad, how have you been?
Chad: Heh, well you know me, just boozin’ ‘n’ cruisin’. Well what have you been up to? I see you’re wearing a hunting hat now.
Baby Cupid: Well Chad, you see when you’ve been around for a few thousands of years, you get tired of doing the same ol’ thing, so lately I’ve been getting into big game hunting.
Chad: Big game hunting?
Baby Cupid: Yeah, well you see hunting is fine and all if you’re a pansy. Big game hunting is about hunting something that can hunt you back. Something that blurs the line between the hunter and the hunted.
Chad: Could you tell us a hunting story.
Baby Cupid: Most certainly, Mike. This was midsummer of 2016. I had gotten word of this creature, a creature that seemed at first like more myth and legend than reality, a creature that was half-human, half-beast. A reliable source told me this beast had migrated north for the summer and taken shelter in the dense, insect-ridden, dangerous, swampy jungle known as Cleveland, Ohio.
Baby Cupid: So I began stalking this creature through the desolated, abandoned streets of a once great city that had since fallen into disrepair and now looked more like a post-apocalyptic hellscape that would be perfectly at home as the setting in a Cormac McCarthy novel. It was easy to catch the manbeast’s trail, as this horrific monstrosity left behind a noxious ooze wherever it went, though I must admit at times it was hard to distinguish the creature’s ooze from the naturally occurring city ooze that seems to permeate the landscape.
Chad: Yeah, I would say that’s industrial run-off, but you have to have industry to have run-off, so we just call it Cleveland Juice.
Baby Cupid: Finally I had tracked the hideous creation to it’s lair, a cavernous scar in the face of the earth that reeked of body spray and bleached assholes which the locals called The Vault at the Metropolitan at East 9th. There was a screeching, thumping siren song playing, and it was difficult to see through the mist of sweat and pre-ejaculation, but I spotted the legendary animal in the center of the cave. This beast was bigger than I had expected, even bigger than I had feared. This gargantuan looked like a giraffe, a bull, and one of Lou Ferrigno’s arms had a child. While I still had the advantage of surprise, I took aim with my bow and fired an arrow directly at the giraffe-bull-juggernaut’s neck. However, the tanning this beast had put itself through had transformed its skin into a leathery hide, and thus my arrow merely glanced off of the creature. This served to only enrage the gargantuan, and it turned to face me, letting out a vicious, guttural roar and said, in what seemed to be some whiny dialect of English, “Do you know who I am?” Yet as it spoke I let fly another arrow directly into its mouth, piercing the soft flesh within. I had done it, I had taken down my biggest prey yet, Khloe Kardashian.
Chad: Woah! What happened next? Did you mount her?
Baby Cupid: Gross, Mike. Well as you should know my arrows do not harm, rather they fill the victim with an incredibly powerful desire and lust for the first thing they lay their eyes on afterwards, which at the time just so happened to be starting center for the Cleveland Cavaliers, Tristan Thompson.
Chad: What an amazing story! Wow! Well it’s been great to see you again. Thank you, Baby Cupid. Before you go what’s up next for you?
Baby Cupid: It’s time for me to go after my elusive white whale: Taylor Swift.
Chad: Thank you, Baby Cupid.