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Birth of the Future: Pressure Life Expands and Contracts

Birth of the Future: Pressure Life Expands and Contracts

[intro-text size=”25px”]Known for their excellence in pop journalism and assorted methods of inebriation, promising local Cleveland magazine brand Pressure Life has set their sights on a wider and extinct market.[/intro-text]

In a landmark deal, Pressure Life has acquired famed 90’s defunct companies Circuit City, Blockbuster Video, KB Toys, Borders’ Books & Music, and every other business you’ve forgotten about by now.

“It just made sense,” said Jim Bacha, Pressure Life co-owner and Creative Director. “Pressure Life is a symbol for this generation’s worldly inheritance. Burdening conditions have been thrust upon today’s youth. They deserve a voice, and a place. They deserve a Chi-Chi’s restaurant.”

Bacha insists that the fate of mankind rests in the secrets of the past, and while he fondly remembers stale table chips and salsa, the revamped companies born from the ashes of antiquated business practices and outdated technology will come back new and improved.

“We don’t just want the same old thing,” explained Bacha. “We want new old things. That means remodeling and rebranding. We’re injecting a blast of fresh and palatable spunk into each and every venture.”

John Gardner, Pressure Life co-owner and COO, went on to discuss the upcoming company reboots. “The Pressure Life expansions will define consumer evolution for a new era.” he said. “For example, the Chi-Chi’s All American Sports Bar and Grill offers a mix of both model Mexican cuisine and drunken American sports obsession.”

But Chi-Chi’s isn’t the only business targeted for an extreme make-over. “Blockbuster is getting a total overhaul,” Gardner declared. “It’s Blockflix now. You can walk right in the store and browse the digital aisles for movies to stream later at home through a separate video service. It should be massively successful.”

With the upcoming release of the first issue of Pressure Life this May, Bacha and Gardner feel this was the perfect time to take such an enormous financial risk. “Pressure is all about feeling the push and pushing back,” said Bacha. “We’re ready to test our limits.”

The development process happened almost instantaneously and the stores are awaiting their grand openings. Keep your eyes peeled for some of your favorite old businesses back in action and the first issue of Pressure Life on the streets of Cleveland next month.

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