• PressureCast
  • Teach These Devils

Get your Bond on, Cleveland style-

The latest installment of the James Bond franchise is set to hit theatres this Friday. The 24th of its kind, Spectre, finds Daniel Craig reprising the titular role for what is believed to be his last time. After seeing the trailers and hearing the excited buzz I have little doubt this may be one of the best Bonds in decades. But how can you celebrate the release in a savvy style befitting a true 007 Clevelander?

Before anything else, you’ll need to get in the proper headspace. To that end, check out From Cleveland With Love: The Songs of 007, presented by the Cleveland Stage Alliance. They’ll be playing at Vosh in Lakewood on the 8th. If you miss that one, they’ll be at the Bop Stop on Detroit Avenue, November 11th.

Now that that the theme to Goldfinger is stuck on a loop in your head it’s time to fit the part. That means looking sharp, so clean up that post-ironic hipster beard and man-bun (shudder). Ditch the flannels and skinny jeans and get yourself some fancy duds. I recommend Christophier Custom Clothiers on Clifton Boulevard in Cleveland, and not just because I’m a sucker for alliteration. Now that you cut a dashing figure, call an Uber, but insist on calling the driver, Odd Job. As tips make up a large portion of their revenue, (and with English often being a very distant second language) you’d be surprised how many play along.

Every good Bond needs to gamble, if not with his own life then with some petty cash, so have him drop you off in front of the Horseshoe Casino. Start with blackjack, but make it a point to hit on 20. You do like to live dangerously after all. From there, hit up the baccarat table and pretend you know how to play. Then drift over to the roulette wheel, wink at the prettiest woman who lays eyes on you and say, “I always bet on black.” After it comes up red, or that weird green spot, slink away to the slot machines and make up your money on the one-armed bandits. Drift toward the bar and find the sultry woman with the backless dress and introduce yourself.

“Octopussy, I presume?”

After you receive at least one black eye, quickly make your escape before security can wrinkle your new suit as they throw you out. Take what little money you’ve left in your account and make the rounds at a few of the swanky spots on East 4th, 9th or the Flats. Swirling your third martini in hand with a mangled bowtie and a face all busted to bits will tell the anxious crowd that there in safe hands, as it’s clear you’ve recently gone mano a mano against the likes of Trevelyan, or at least that guy from Skyfall who could take half of his own skull out.

By now it should be near starting time for the film. We all have our go-to silver screen that we haunt so I’ll leave the venue to your discretion. After two hours and half hours of oohs and aahhs with nothing but dirty olives (both shaking and stirring) in your stomach it’s time to make it back to your one-bedroom headquarters. Gather up the last remaining Moneypennies in your pocket and catch an RTA home. But let it take off ahead of you so you have to chase it down in true Bond fashion. I don’t recommend trying to ride on the roof, but points for effort.

The back seat of a smelly, dimly-lit bus that chortles and clanks over every pothole may feel a far cry from the suave styling of Daniel Craig, or even Pierce Bronson for that matter. But take a quantum of solace in knowing that at least you’re not George Lazenby, the star of 1969’s Bond film, On Her Majesty’s Secret Service. Not only considered one of the weaker 007 entries, Lazenby is the only Bond to never return to reprise his role. They even had Roger Moore come back and he wore a beige sweater through half his damn film.

Spectre is scheduled for release across America, November 6th.

Tags:

Platform Beer Co
  • Content Strategist, novelist and prolific roustabout who drinks entirely too much coffee. You can find him on Twitter @therealadamdodd

You May Also Like

The Weekly Politic: Millennial Disconnection

With Senator Bernie Sanders set to win the New Hampshire Primary, evening the Democratic ...

COMIC PICK OF THE WEEK: Constantine: The Hellblazer #1

[intro-text size=”25px”]During the mid-‘80s before major motion pictures breathed a second life into the ...

Chad Weaver: Lover. Writer. Advisor.

[intro-text size=”25px”]Hey ya’ll, it’s your pal Chad Weaver here. I know summer’s over, but ...