It’s a beautiful, crisp Thanksgiving Day at your family’s home. The house is filled with the sounds of your relatives reminiscing and the smell of a well-cooked feast. Your family and you are seated in front of a cornucopia of deliciousness on a long oak table. Not a seat is empty. You are on the far end of the table, right beside your Dumbass Mom, who is smiling ear to ear because for the first time in years, your whole family is home for Thanksgiving. Your Dumbass Mom glances at you with a twinkle in her eye that you haven’t seen in ages as she slowly stands up to speak.
“I want to thank you all for coming. You have all made me the happiest mother in the world, and I just want to say that I love you all so—“
Your Dumbass Mom is cut off as suddenly the door to the dining room is torn off of its hinges and flies across the room. It crashes into the middle of the table, absolutely destroying the turkey your Dumbass Mom spent hours perfecting. Then, who bursts in the room but Chad Weaver, wearing only a “6” Julius Erving Philadephia 76ers basketball jersey and some nice pants.
“Gloria! You know what time it is!” Chad yells to the confusion of everyone, including your Dumbass Mom. Chad, unhindered by the lack of response to his initial statement yells, “I said, you know what time it is!” You look around, befuddled and see that the rest of your family is just as confused. Chad jumps on the table, stomping into the mashed potatoes and spraying starch onto the face of your stupid sister. “You KNOW what time it is!” Chad screams, standing on the table opposite your Dumbass Mom.
Your Dumbass Mom rises, shakily, and replies, “Son I think you’re confused. I don’t quite understand what time it is.”
Chad rolls his and eyes and says exasperatedly, “It’s TIME for you to research local school districts, compare and contrast their benefits and education, and decide which one to attend. If it is a school outside of the district you live in, you’ll have to make sure they have open enrollment. Otherwise, you’re going to have to move, go to the school of your choice and enroll yourself, find adequate and reliable transportation to get yourself to that school on time, and then go to that school and attend classes because you’re about to GET SCHOOLED!”
Your Dumbass Mom looks around dumb(ass)founded, then upon looking back at Chad and realizing he’s serious, your Dumbass Mom drops the facade and the confused look on her face to adopt the coldest, hardest stare you’ve ever seen.
“Well if that’s the case,” your Dumbass Mom says as she turns, walks to the mantle and suddenly breaks the glass of the case holding your great-great-grandfather’s Winchester rifle to reach in and brandish the rifle in Chad’s direction. Your family gasps while Chad, on the other hand, is unperturbed. Your Dumbass Mom drops the rifle and reaches back into the case, removing a panel to reach further in. She fishes around with her hand for a moment, further drawing out the already long pause from her first statement and creating a really awkward moment for everyone there because, like, you’re all waiting for her to say a good comeback and Chad is just standing there on the table all like, What the hell is going on?
Finally, after what seems like forever, your Dumbass Mom grabs something, pulls hard, and reveals a basketball. “Where was I? Oh yeah! Well, if that’s the case, then go fuck yourself,” she says as she roughly checks the ball to Chad.
“Jesus, we were all waiting for that?” Chad asks, motioning towards your family, who while definitely on your Dumbass Mom’s side, has to agree that her comeback kind of sucked.
“Whatever,” your Dumbass Mom replies while lowering a hoop from the ceiling. “Let’s do this.”
Chad grips the ball in both of his hands and squints as if to say that it was about to be on. Chad takes off dribbling the ball across the table, each bounce sending splashes of food into the faces of your entire family. Just as he reaches the end of the table, Chad cradles the ball and leaps impossibly high into the air, especially considering this is inside your family’s house. With a screech, Chad lowers the ball between his knees and then raises the ball above his head with both of his hands, preparing to perform the perfect double-pump slam dunk and come down with all the fury of Pickle Road, which is where Chad lives, on your Dumbass Mom.
Instead, the ball is sent careening into the face of your father, who while not a dumbass is still kind of a dumb dumb for being married to your Dumbass Mom. What you can’t see, but will understand later, is that somehow your Dumbass Mom elevated at the last second to smack the ball out of Chad’s hands, sending Chad slamming to the floor in a heap from the force of your Dumbass Mom’s block.
Your Dumbass Mom stands over Chad and laughs. “I guess you’re the one who just got taken to school!” your Dumbass Mom says, and everybody respects her burn more this time because no one thought she’d ever be able to jump like that on two knee surgeries.
Chad, shaken not stirred, picks himself up and begins to walk away. Your family, which had been sitting in stunned silence, starts to discuss what exactly just happened. Just as Chad reaches the door, though, the ball rolls to his feet. He kneels down to cup it in both hands, which only you see as your family is excitedly debating just how wicked sick your Dumbass Mom’s block was and your Dumbass Mom is busy soaking up the praise. Chad stands up, calmly but with purpose, and turns. “Hey, you forgot one thing,” Chad states, hushing your family.
“What’s that?” Your Dumbass Mom says as she turns to face Chad, just in time for Chad to fire a bullet pass directly into your Dumbass Mom’s dumbass face that sends the ball ricocheting skyward. Chad sprints with impossible speed towards your Dumbass Mom and jumps, landing with one foot on your father’s dented face, and jumps higher, higher, higher into the sky than ever before. Chad, soaring like an eagle with a leather jacket (a really cool eagle), meets the ball just as it reaches its apex. With one hand, Chad grips it, raises it above his head, and as he falls to Earth like an angel with sunglasses (a really cool angel), he brings the ball down—brings it down for honor, for country, for the smokers, for the tokers, for the midnight jokers, for pizza on Thanksgiving, for his own dignity and for Pickle Road. Chad brings the ball down into the hoop, in the ultimate one-handed tomahawk jam, with such force that a shockwave blasts the room, scattering the last remnants of your Thanksgiving dinner and shattering the glass of the hoop.
Chad turns from the destroyed hoop to survey the room, finally settling his eyes downward on your Dumbass Mom, who is frozen by shock on the floor staring at Chad. Chad clears his throat and says to your Dumbass Mom, “You forgot that there’s no school on Thanksgiving.”