Long before the nation voted to make America great again, our forefathers were just concerned with making America.

Now I’m sure Tom Jefferson and the boys never intended that in 241 years, the USA’s political climate would be on par with a decent rerun of Jerry Springer, but they also had slaves, suggesting that things have been quite fucked since the start. So this July 4, in honor of both America’s historically epic erection and in the spirit of the country’s slightly twisted past, present—and let’s be realistic—future, here are a few fresh ways for you to mix up Uncle Sam’s birthday celebration.

FOUNDING FOREPLAY

Before you hit up the parade this holiday, consider some thematic fashion fun and try something a little hotter than your average birthday suit. First, you’ll need to go to the closet and fetch your tricorn hat, powdered wig, waistcoat, breeches, wisket, frock, stockings, and buckled shoes. After assembling your wardrobe, pop that shit on and take a peek in the mirror. If you look old, white, and male—congratulations! You’ve crafted an authentic 1776 founding father cosplay outfit. Earn extra history credit if you venture out into the world and LARP as an authentic, oppressed colonist speaking proper English for the entirety of the day without annoying yourself.

BE INDEPENDENT!

There’s no better day of the year for declaring to the world that you are a fully autonomous one-human army. On this 4th of July, take on the challenge of performing every task you’d normally unload on your friends, family, and complete strangers. For example, looking to have a barbecue? Start by walking to the grocery store, for you need no car on this day. Make a point to use the self-checkout; cashiers are for dependents. March those massive bags of food home and then be the sole cook in the kitchen, preparing a feast for the ages without a single recipe necessary. After you’re done, be sure not to invite anyone to join so you can devour the entire meal yourself like the lone wolf you are. Most importantly, guarantee that no one finds out you did any of this or it doesn’t count.

STAR SPANGLED SLANTER

The United States offer some of the best inalienable rights on the planet. You get life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness—and that alone is a bargain. It’s no secret, however, that freedom of speech is the best perk. You see, each of us possess a very special, priceless gift known as an “opinion.” This July 4, share your First Amendment gift with everyone you see. You were born to express yourself. Don’t hold back, and don’t shy away from the touchy subjects. Talk about your politics, religion, wildest fetishes… Everyone will embrace your candor because you aren’t just another stripe on the flag, my friend. You are a star, and your opinion is a national treasure.

THE AMERICAN WAY

If by some chance you’re irreversibly disenchanted by the current state of our union, consider shaking things up big time this year. Rather than surrendering to the usual Independence Day fare of fireworks and freedom footlongs, commemorate the old fashioned way. Actually follow our founders’ footsteps by defiantly rejecting the rule of the government and pursuing the establishment of your own sovereign nation. Starting your own country may seem unfeasible, but don’t let that discourage you—people have totally done this before. Alternatively, try shrugging off all the negativity and instead, for temporary relief, extend either your left, right, or both middle fingers and shoot that salute straight toward Washington before moving on with and making the best of your life.

Happy Independence Day everyone, and may all your Gods bless America.

Platform Beer Co
  • Show Comments

You May Also Like

Pressure News Weekly – March 6th 2017

Live, from a one bedroom apartment with a bad internet signal, this is Pressure ...

Pressure Top Ten: Cleveland Improvements for 2017

We’re so close to kicking 2016 to the curb! For better or worse, one ...

Pressure Top 10: “Why Morrissey Cancelled”

Emo before emo was emo. Morrissey is the champion for the preternaturally pale and ...