How could you have possibly missed it? Everyone that went told you that it kicked ass. And the people whom you told that you went, but really didn’t, know you’re just a fucking liar because they were there and that dude totally didn’t smash his guitar at the end of the show. But It’s okay, because we’re here to give you solace. Below are all the reasons we hate Cleveland music venues, to make you feel like you really didn’t miss much at all. Of course we really do love these venues and the shows they host, so the pros of each quickly follow. At the end of it all, we’ll give you a list of shows in the area so you don’t look like a dumb ass for missing them again.
Jacob’s Pavilion at Nautica:
Cons – Limited to 3 seasons and washed up “final tour” shows. There’s always a plethora of “wooo!” girls wearing XXXL Grateful Dead t-shirts screaming at the top of their cigarette scorched lungs and spilling beer on you and your friends. Need we say more.
Pros – You can catch that nearly extinct band you won’t let go of despite your friends and family scorning you for blaring them in the car. Every once in awhile they hold a free concert during the summer and it’s a lot of fun to hang out on a warm summer evening.
House of Blues Cleveland:
Cons – Huge ticket prices. The floor layout is nice if you’re 6’7”. If you’re not, forget ever seeing the stage unless you’re up front and center.
Pros – A fan of pop music? Then this is your place. If you’re favorite radio voice is coming through Cleveland, chances are this is their stop.
Now That’s Class:
Cons – An undying stench of Crust punks too cool to shower, ever. And anti-corporate skateboarders, who happened to be decked out in Nike gear, hitting the mini ramp in the back.
Pros – You can catch a good punk/garage rock show every once in awhile with a cheap cover, and beer prices are low enough for the 18 year olds who pass as “legal.”
Cons – There’s a good chance you could get stabbed by a broken bottle in a bar fight.
Pros – It’s closed.
Beachland Ballroom and Tavern:
Cons – The crowd of PBR fueled agro kids sending flying knees into each other faces in the middle of a doo-wop/garage punk show is just one example. Did we mention it’s in the middle of fucking nowhere?
Pros – One of the east side’s better shots at a big name. It’s a nice place to actually see a show and not feel like you’re rubbing butts with everyone. Stumble out the front door with a broken nose and into a number of dives bars close by.
Cons – It’s in a basement with terrifyingly low ceilings and you will ,on a number of occasions, walk into a doom plume (deadly fart left to linger in a shroud of mystery) or get crop dusted (drive by fart) from scurrying show goers rushing to the stalls with no doors.
Pros – They have a cool door guy and for you east siders, it’s another best bet to pull in some bigger names. They have a pretty good beer selection, and the bar is parallel to stage so you won’t miss a beat when you grab another beverage. Above average acoustics for being a basement venue.
Cons – It’s a former bowling alley and billiards hall that my father used to frequent in the 60’s & 70’s. Now it’s over run by a bunch of kids with daddy issues and local bands you wished you’d never heard.
Pros – They still have a few lanes in the basement along with another small stage and mini bar. It’s a good place to meet up with friends because of its cavernous size, cheap drinks, and fried chicken. And every once in a blue moon you hear a local band that you really like.
Happy Dog (west):
Cons – It’s really fucking small. Like really small. Half of the place is filled with patrons stuffing their faces with a hot dogs and tater tots, so you could imagine it’s hard to get a ticket for some of the good shows.
Pros – I don’t care what you think of the hot dogs, they fucking rule. They have pinball, the Underdog, good beer and an awesome staff. Plus, it’s frequented by a host of awesome underground bands you won’t want to miss.
Wilbert’s Food & Music:
I just think it’s funny that this place is listed a music venue in Cleveland.