From Christmas to Dyngus Day, everyone loves a good celebration, and it turns out that in America—every day is a national holiday!
Sometimes they even cram more than one onto the same date. So if you need something to celebrate this August and September and Labor Day just doesn’t blow your hair back anymore, here are the top upcoming holidays you won’t want to miss.
AUG. 9 – BOOK LOVERS DAY: Looking for a good read? If you’re a hardcore bibliophile, you’ve probably already got this day bookmarked, but if its been a while since you’ve had an affair with a real page turner, don’t wait until Read a Book Day on Sept. 6. I recommend you strap on those reading glasses, practice your finger-lick page-flick, and spend this day in bed with a thick hardback.
AUG. 10 – NATIONAL S’MORES DAY AND LAZY DAY: I’m not entirely sure what possessed a lethargic camper to declare that this day in history should forever commemorate his attitude and snack of choice, but it was clearly a stroke of genius. Relax, treat yourself to a sloppy sugar sandwich, and if you don’t get your fill, we’ve also got Relaxation Day on Aug. 15 and Toasted Marshmallow Day on the Aug. 30.
AUG. 16 – NATIONAL TELL A JOKE DAY: Whether you’re a daily comedian or your life is completely void of humor, take a moment to reflect on this day by cracking up your friend, neighbor, mom, rabbi, boss, or anyone else by telling a hilarious and surely non-butchered punchline. Just make sure you know your audience for the more R-rated stuff. For example, my rabbi loves a good dirty joke.
AUG. 19 – AVIATION DAY, NATIONAL HONEYBEE AWARENESS DAY, AND POTATO DAY: This triple threat holiday may be your best excuse to call off work yet. On just a single day we get to honor mankind’s ability to travel through air and acknowledge the honeybees we’ll probably want to avoid while flying. And of course, a legend among vegetables, the potato has rightfully earned its day of glory—it just has to share with planes and bees.
SEPT. 5 – CHEESE PIZZA DAY AND BE LATE FOR SOMETHING DAY: I’m not sure which jackass scheduled these two holidays on the same day, but I swear if the delivery man with my extra cheese decides to observe the other holiday going on when I’m expecting my ‘za, he might find I’m a little late with my tip.
SEPT. 13 – DEFY SUPERSTITION DAY, FORTUNE COOKIE DAY, NATIONAL PEANUT DAY, POSITIVE THINKING DAY, AND UNCLE SAM DAY: Clear your schedule for this one! Last year I celebrated by smashing my vanity mirror, eating a fortune cookie, and learning that I have “only begun to scratch the surface of my true potential.” So after cracking my way through a sack of nuts and an optimistic moment of self-reflection, I signed up for the United States Armed Forces. But this year, I’m going all out.
SEPT. 19 – INTERNATIONAL TALK LIKE A PIRATE DAY AND NATIONAL BUTTERSCOTCH PUDDING DAY: Ahoy, mateys! Ya don’t need a parrot and a peg-leg to pillage yerself a ‘yo ho ho’ on this day. All ye have to do is talk like a buccaneer, and instead of walking the plank, walk to the store and plunder yerselves a barrel of creamy golden dessert. Butterscotch is every scallywags favorite, especially if the scurvy’s taken all yer teeth.
SEPT. 28 – ASK A STUPID QUESTION DAY AND NATIONAL GOOD NEIGHBOR DAY: They say there are no stupid questions, only stupid people. However sometimes, stupid is as stupid does, and stupid questions are stupidly asked. But sometimes stupid is a beautiful thing. If you find yourself feeling stupid on this stupid day, find yourself a stupid neighbor and exchange a few stupid questions with each other. And if you’re celebrating with your stupid significant other, consider wearing stupid matching T-shirts.