Saint Patrick’s Day was yesterday and us Clevelanders do it big and do it green (whatever that means) Either way, you’re going to need some help getting going this morning. Here’s Pressure Life’s Top 5 St. Pat’s Recovery List…

5) The Work Excuse: After you pull yourself off of whatever hard, probably beer soaked, surface you passed out on, you’re facing a decision: either call off work or try to salvage some of the day and call in late; let’s face it, you’re not getting there on time. Washing off the magic marker shamrocks and penises drawn on your face will take at least twenty minutes alone. If you’re calling off, make sure the excuse is believable while not incriminating. The day after St. Pat’s you’ll need a doozy, maybe cash-in one of those death in the family Hail Mary’s you’ve been holding onto. Don’t go with stomach flu or that the car won’t start, that’s day after Arbor Day material.

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4) The Morning Repast: If you are going to face the world you’ll need the hair of the dog to stave off the full swing of the assured hangover coming. But you’re pressed for time and going to work so just pour a little Irish whiskey in your coffee. Drink it black, no need messing about with cream on such a volatile stomach- to that, end avoid the Baileys in the coffee. Gather up those corned beef scraplings between two pieces of dry bread and see if the bread and protein can offer a strong enough base to get going.

3) The Bail Rounds: You were almost out of the door when your phone rings. Your friend is still in jail. It seems Cleveland police don’t appreciate getting pinched, even if they’re not wearing green. So have a little forethought and have at least four or five buddies kick into a pot for bail for a few weeks leading up to the morning of the 18th. Whoever needs its gets to use it as long as they agree to pay back into the pot in preparation for the 4th of July arrests soon to come. Grab the coffee can and swing by the precinct and pick up your buddy.

2) The Numbers Game: St Pat’s is a good day for mingling and even hooking up if that is your agenda, sometimes, even when it’s not. But like catching an RTA out of downtown, it’s really spur of the moment and hard to plan. You might walk away with a pocketful of scribbled digits on cocktail napkins or numbers entered into your phone with only names like “AKHBEYI” and “YTRAFZZZY” to remember them by. Don’t expect the person you’re trying to call the next day to even remember you, let alone be anything like the person you saw flashing a policeman’s horse the day before.

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1) Shake Off The Nomenclature: Everybody has a good time on St. Pat. They dress up like leprechauns, talk with fake accents and ascribe poor diets and irresponsible drinking to a particular ethnicity. And by and large no one strikes a moral outrage over the display, which is stunning in our modern era. But the buck stops with St. Patrick. Don’t be the one running around in a sombrero and poncho on Cinco de Mayo or kimono for Chinese New Year, it’s just gauche man, total gauche.

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Platform Beer Co
  • Adam Dodd

    Content Strategist, novelist and prolific roustabout who drinks entirely too much coffee. You can find him on Twitter @therealadamdodd

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