Pressure News Weekly – 4/10/17

It’s the second week in April, the Indians just got swept and the Cavs have been getting spanked on a daily basis. Relax… at least you’re not these people. Live, the from Pressure News Desk, it’s Pressure News Weekly!

 

HIGHER EDUCATION

Welcome to the head of the class.

South Carolinian, Judith Elizabeth Richards-Gartee, (let this be a lesson to never trust anyone with more than three names) offered an interesting life lesson to her students.

Shortly after class began, Gartee began acting erratic and disorientated. This, after frequent sips from a Styrofoam cup on her desk. Well, it turns our Gartee likes to start her day with copious amounts of box wine that she had hidden in her purse- because, classy.

Not soon after Gartee fell ill and began vomiting throughout the classroom before crawling around the ground, unable to stand on her own before officials interceded and had to wheelchair her out of the classroom. Gartee faces drunken disorderly charges.

 

MOWGLI WHO?

It was within the Katraniaghat forest range in northern India that local foresters came across a small disheveled girl. The little girl had no clothes, matted hair, and was covered in dirt. While the child is believed to have been abandoned, she was given a second home- with monkeys. The Hindustan Times are  reporting that the little girl was taken in by a pride of monkeys shortly after her abdonment where the animals cared for her as if she were one of their own.

After the girl was spotted, authorities moved in to take her to a hospital for an evaluation but were initially stymied by the monkeys who protectively surrounded the little girl; going so far as to attack one of the officers when he came too close to the girl. Eventually they were able to take her with them but not before the monkeys all gave chase to their patrol car as they stole away with their newfound family member.

Still better than a weekend in Parma, Hi-yo! That one’s for Ryan.

D.K. Singh, chief medical superintendent at Bahraich District Hospital, told the Associated Press that he presumed the girl had been with them since she was an infant due to so many learned traits. She is claimed to behave and eat like them, occasionally dropping to walk on all fours as if a broken habit resurfacing.

“She behaves like an ape and screams loudly if doctors try to reach out to her,” Singh told the New Indian Express. The little girl is still unresponsive and communicates exclusively through hand gestures and animalistic grunts.

 

WHAT A DOUCHE

It’s like the old saying goes: If you’re going to evict a convicted arsonist, do it on a rainy day.

Convicted serial arsonist, Marvin “Red” Fisher, faces 129 years in prison thanks to his New Year’s Eve attempt at setting his Cleveland apartment complex on fire after receiving an eviction notice. What was the thinking there? ‘I can’t live so I’ll show you. I’ll make it so I really can’t live here?’

Either way, Fisher was caught and nabbed and given eleven counts of aggravated arson. This will be the firebug’s fourth arson conviction. He served ten years in a West Virginia prison after setting fire to a fuel drum outside of a courthouse because he was too drunk at the time to visit his incarcerated girlfriend- no word yet where the lovebirds are registered but I’m thinking 7-11.

HIM: Give me the Charles Manson/Owen Wilson look. BARBER: Say no more, fam.

He was also convicted in 2002 as well in 2010 where he served an additional four years after setting fire to a halfway house on W65th where he lived at the time.

All that said, what kind of landlord signs off on a lease to a man with that kind of record. It should be noted that while firefighters were able to evacuate everyone before the fire spread, it was an eighteen unit dwelling some of which included infants that Fisher was willing burn alive.

As someone who lives in an apartment complex and is never sure if the noise next door is his neighbors cobbling together wooden ships or cooking meth, how about some background checks?

 

HIGHER-ER EDUCATION

And, what the hell, why not?

Here’s a woman chugging Mountain Dew down her butt- because, classy.

That’s it for this week. For PressureLife magazine and the Pressure News Weekly team, I’ve been Adam Dodd. Don’t get drunk before lunch and don’t pour stuff down yer butt, well, at least nothing too sugary… those calories go straight to your hips.

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  • Adam Dodd

    Content Strategist, novelist and prolific roustabout who drinks entirely too much coffee. You can find him on Twitter @therealadamdodd

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