Pressure News Weekly: December 19, 2016

For the third week of December, 2016, coming to you from under a melting snowdrift along I-271, for PressureLife magazine, this is Pressure News Weekly!

 

HOT MESS, TABLE FOR TWO

Crystal Wahlfeldt, of Bay City, Michigan, was admitted to a local hospital after her boyfriend headbutted her and stabbed her in the back, leading to a collapsed lung. The cause, a Ouija board. Cody Sampson came home to find his girlfriend, playing with Hasbro game and became irate.

“Ouija board is a game that should not be played at someone’s house. It’s a game for Satan worshippers,” claimed Sampson, the holy roller who attacked a woman while already out on bond for an assault charge on his own father.

Sampson during booking; Pretty much what exactly what you expected…

Upon entering their apartment, police found numerous marijuana plants. Presumably, only because crystal meth doesn’t grow on trees. Sampson refutes stabbing Wahlfeldt, despite the numerous witnesses that were present and subsequently brought Wahlfeldt to the hospital. To her end, Wahlfeldt corroborated her boyfriend’s story, claiming that she had in fact stabbed herself… in the back.

Police found Sampson after responding to a call from his mother requesting medical assistance for Sampson after he crashed her truck into a nearby ditch and left it there. Sampson admits to drinking Four Loko before the crash, because… duh. During their encounter with Sampson, police found the knife allegedly used to stab hisgirlfriend in his pocket, covered in blood.

No word yet where they’re registered for the wedding.

 

IS THAT A BACULUM IN YOUR POCKET?

Well, we know radio killed the video stars… Well, those of us born before 1990 do at least. But did you know it was monogamy that killed the penis bone? A study featured in Proceedings of the Royal Society explain that the baculum, the actual name for penis bones, bear “a clear [relationship] between the bone’s length and a species’ promiscuity: more promiscuous species had longer bacula.”

The study was led by post-doctorate research fellow, Kit Opie, who concluded that longer sexual intercourse was done by species as a way to ward off competition until, well, their mates were seeded.

According to the study’s co-author, Matilda Brindle, with modern society less competitive in this regard thanks to the assurances of monogamy, the average male is capable of getting the deed done within two minutes. Because of this, the baculum was no longer needed in homo sapiens and was phased out approximately 1.9 million years ago.

In light of this new study it can now be confirmed, stuffy English professors really are the ultimate boner killers.

Full frontal, all-access baculum; PressureLife pushes the envelope again…

 

I’D RATHER BE UGLY

Men are now injecting the paralytic toxin, botulism, into their testicles. I will repeat that for anyone not already whimpering. According to a recent article in Men’s Health, men are now injecting the paralytic toxin, botulism, into their testicles.

“Hey, 2016… take it down a notch.”

Seeking to “iron out” their coin purses, fifteen patients have come to Dr. John Mesa this year alone. He expects the number to rise in 2017. Dr. Mesa cheekily calls the procedure “ball ironing” and claims that it offers a more youthful and larger appearance to the testicles. Mesa claims the procedure take about 40 minutes and can cost between $500 to $800, but only lasts for around four months.

What injecting paralytic toxins into your reproductive organs does to your chances at healthy offspring, well, researchers haven’t even bothered to check that yet. Mesa did allow, “technically, it’s more painful to get Botox in your groin than in your face because it is a much more sensitive area.”

Are we sure Dr. Mesa isn’t just a really niche dominatrix?

“The doctor will see you now…”

 

MAGNETS, BITCHES!

In a new study published in Science magazine, researchers believe that magnetic force may play a role in short-term memory retention. Better known as “working memory”, the concept of remembering a new name and face at a party and to be able to later differentiate them among a crowd is different than remembering your parent’s names and faces. The memories are stored in different ways in the brain, and not all at the same time.

One of the researchers in the study, Brad Postle, said in a press release, “The notion that you’re aware of everything all the same time is a sort of illusion your consciousness creates.” Adding, “research shows us you’re probably only actually attending to- are conscious of in any given moment- just a very small number of things.”

With that in mind, he and others from the University of Notre Dame in Australia, charted subjects’ brainwaves through a magnetic resonance imager, an MRI. Only when the test subjects were told that they would be asked to recall a second item for retention did the corresponding area of the brain which stored it remain active. When the subjects were under the assumption the data was irrelevant, the brain made a decision to basically de-prioritize the information and the area appeared inactive on the MRI.

Okay, still with me?

The researchers discovered that when they activated specific parts of the brain with a focused field of electromagnetic waves, a process known as transcranial magnetic stimulation (TMS), the portion of the subjects’ brains that had been storing the dormant information was tricked into thinking the data had been called upon. As a result, the neurons necessary for the information’s working recollection began firing with that portion of the brain suddenly active while simultaneously charting it on the MRI.

The Insane Clown Posse’s marked aversion to magnets may have been what led to people forgetting they ever existed… that, and their abject terribleness.

While researchers are confident that the study breaks ground in how we view dementia and schizophrenia, no word yet if reversing the magnet’s polarity will help us all to forget the events of 2016.

That’s it for this week, folks…

For the Westside and the East, I’m Adam Dodd, signing off.

On behalf of the entire PressureLife staff, enjoy the holidays and don’t get drunk and stab each other over the size of your magnetic penis bones.

 

Platform Beer Co
  • Adam Dodd

    Content Strategist, novelist and prolific roustabout who drinks entirely too much coffee. You can find him on Twitter @therealadamdodd

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