For the first week of January 2017, peeking out from our bomb shelter, cautiously hopeful for a new year, this is Pressure News Weekly!
HAVE GOLD, WILL TRAVEL
If you were planning on making the expedition to the far side of the rainbow planning for a Leprechaun’s payout, you may have to take an I.O.U.
He’s already believed to be laying low in Los Angeles, but 53 year-old, Julio Nivelo, made a daring midtown Manhattan robbery in broad daylight last week. Nivelo was caught on camera but no one at the time, including the armed guards, saw Nivelo casually walk up to the back of an armored truck and perform his best Bill Murray from Groundhog Day impersonation. Noticing the truck’s cargo was unattended, Nivelo walk away with a literal pot of gold and a developing hernia. The bucket is said have contained 86 pounds of golden flake valued at 1.6 million dollars.
At only five feet and five inches, Nivelo is seen on the video struggling to carry the heavy gold flake away, but because it’s Manhattan, no one saw (said with air quotes) the middle-aged man waddling away with a large giant pot of gold in the middle of the day.
Somewhere, Super Mario is slow-clapping with a tear welling in the corner of his eye.
POTTY IN THE EYE OF BEHOLDER
Every Christmas there is a fuzzy hot new toy that all the kids want. Pound Puppies, Barney the Dinosaur, Tickle Me Elmo have all run the tables in seasons past, but few have been accused of soliciting illicit sexual favors quite like 2016’s Hatchimal.
According to a recent Huffington Post, a handful of parents who recently purchased the cute plush alien creature that emerges from an egg for their kids, the toy has a potty mouth after dark. Capable of monosyllabic alien baby-talk and chirps, some of the parents who have recently purchased the toy for their children believe that the toys are actually, well, let’s have parent Nick Galego from Vancouver, British Columbia, explain while he was interviewed for CTV Vancouver, “I’m pretty sure it says ‘fuck me.’”
Gallego’s claim is seconded by New Jersey mother of a nine year old daughter, Patricia Crispell, who also claims their Hatchimal says “fuck me” at night.
Tara Tucker, spokeswoman for the dubiously-named company that makes Hatchimals, Spin Master, claimed in response to the accusations, “We can assure you that the Hatchimal is not saying anything inappropriate.” She went on to explain that the toys speak a non-lingual ‘language’ of gobbledegook random sounds and chirps.
It should be noted there has yet to be a single child that has mentioned hearing anything untoward from their Christmas presents.
So in summation, bored parents are listening to the gibberish of stuffed animals and telling their kids’ that their new toy is broken while using it as Rorschach tests to express their repressed sexual urges.
Hey man, I really wanted an NES Classic, but I wasn’t gonna sleep with it.
IN FACT, IT’S COLD AS HELL
The haunting void of space may not be as silent as we previously thought.
Astrophysicists Ermanno Borra and Eric Trottier, from Quebec’s Laval University, have published a report proving the existence of strange light signals coming from 234 different stars within the Milky Way galaxy. These pulses are significant in that a 2012 paper, published by Borra, theorized intelligent aliens would use similar pulses to gain the attention of human beings.
Borra and Trottier wrote in Publications of the Astronomical Society of the Pacific of their recent discovery, “We find that the detected signals have exactly the shape of an [extraterrestrial intelligence] signal predicted in the previous publication and are therefore in agreement with this hypothesis.”
Seth Shostak of the SETI [Search for Extraterrestrial Intelligence] Institute in California is more skeptical. He casts doubt that there would be 234 separate signals at the same time, producing the same pattern. Offering in an interview with Space.com, “It would be like expecting us to send the same signal as the Abyssinians- it doesn’t make a whole lot of sense.”
Members of the SETI community use something called a “Rio Scale” that runs from 0-10. The scale is used to determine the validity of phenomena in relation to the proof of intelligent alien life. Until for further and more conclusive research can be done, Borra and Trottier’s claims have since been ranked 0 to 1 on the Rio Scale, according to Berkeley SETI Research Center at the University of California, Berkeley.
While much of the scientific community remains decidedly season one Scully to Borra and Trottier’s raging Mulder, their paper has encouraged the SETI-coordinated program, Breakthrough Listen, to conduct a thorough search among these stars with the Automated Planet Finder optical telescope, housed at the Lick Observatory in California.
OLD, THAT’S HOW OLD
By some perspectives, it may seem like 2016 claimed a lot of people but somehow the past year could not catch up to the world’s oldest living person who turned 146 on December 31st. Mbah Gotho, an Indonesian man born in 1870, is not only the oldest living person, but the oldest living person ever. The previous record being held by Jeanne Calment, who died at the tragically short age of 122.
While his official documentation bears the same age, because he cannot get these documents officially certified, Calment will remain the officially recognized oldest living person. A claim similarly refuted by James Olofintuyl with a stated age of 171 and Dhaqabo Ebba, a Nigerian claiming to be 163. Both men are without verifiable documents however, leading to a Clement title reign more questionable than David Arquette’s WCW World Heavyweight Championship win in 2000.