Live! (at the time we wrote it) This is, Pressure News Weekly!
SURE, I’LL GET RIGHT ON THAT
The Australian Reptile Park is encouraging its citizenry to go out and catch deadly venomous spiders. Australia is known to have some of the most exotic as well as most dangerous of creatures around the globe. Chief among them are poisonous spiders. Bites, which would prove fatal without immediate care, are so common that the local hospitals are running out of lifesaving anti-venom.
To make matters worse, the Australian Reptile Park is the country’s sole provider of anti-venom for the deadly funnel web spider. The zoo has relied on nearby citizens donating funnel web spiders in order to milk for its venom since 1981. A decline in donations coupled with a recent heatwave has led to a spike in bites and a run on a dwindling supply of anti-venom.
I would have liked to sit in on that City Hall meeting,
“We’re dangerously low on anti-venom to treat lethal spider bites.”
“So, tell untrained people to go out and try to come into contact with deadly spiders?”
“Sounds good. Punch out early for Happy Hour?”
The park’s general manager, Tim Faulkner, was quoted in a recent Reuters article that the bite of a funnel-web spider can kill within an hour and that “the large fangs and acidic venom make the bite very painful.” Despite all evidence to the contrary, Faulkner claims “we’ve been doing this for 35 years and no one’s bee hurt.” and that no one has been killed by the lethal spider since the inception of their venom milking program began in 1981.
TASTE THE RAINBOW BEEF
Hundreds of thousands of red skittles littered a stretch of highway in Dodge Count, Wisconsin, after a truck hauling the candies lost part of its load during rainstorm. But why only red ones? Turns out corn syrup derived candy is cheaper than corn itself. The Mars candy company often offers farmers the chance to buy off their products that prove unfit for human consumption as a means to feed cattle.
While not eating a hoof-ful of candy out of the bag, the candies are first processed into a feed mix with other foodstuffs before becoming bovine breakfast. What makes this case curious is that instead of being shipped to a processing center, the candies were en route directly to a farm.
Furthermore, when contacted, Mars company refutes the claim that that batch in particular was even destined for animal-feed processing. An official statement from Mars reads, “We don’t know how it ended up as it did and we are investigating.”
A possible clue as to why the skittles were headed directly to a farm may lie in the comments told to CNN affiliate, WISN, by local county sheriff Schmidt. The town’s lawman claimed to have talked with local farmers of the region, with several admitting to feeding skittles directly to their cattle as food.
Speaking with CNN’s Candance Choi, Mars corporate manager, Linda Kurtz, went on to state that skittles in question came from a Yorkville, Illinois plant that does not even sell its products for animal feed and therefore should not have been headed to processing centers, let alone farms.
BIG CAT REDUX
The bodies of a pair of cave lions, a prehistoric big cat extinct for over 12,000 years, were found, virtually untouched, in the Sakha Republic in Russia. Growing slightly larger and furrier than their modern descendents, these cave lions were preserved thanks to the deep Siberian permafrost in such pristine conditions that their fur and whiskers are still intact. Dubbed Uyan and Dina, the cubs are being separated. One will be donated to a museum with the other becoming the interest of scientists from both South Korea and Russia.
Working with the Joint Foundation of Molecular Paleontology at North-Eastern Federal University, the scientists from both countries are working in concert with the intent of producing a viable cave lion clone. With the cub in such a preserved condition they are optimistic that they have a good chance at success in locating viable DNA to use.
NOT MY MOTH
Pity the poor moths of the word, specifically, the Neopalpa genus. The pale moth that resides around Southern Mexico and Northern Mexico was discovered by Vazrick Nazari. He first dubbed the moth after noting the tuft of blondish orange head cover that resembled an ugly orange haircut, hence the official scientific name he has been dubbed, Neopalpa donaldtrumpi. That’s right, there is a moth named after President Trump because it has a shitty haircut.
Ironically, the Neopalpa donaldtrumpi mate for life. No word yet if its mating courtship involves public urination.
And because it’s been a rough week- here’s a video of a toucan eating Froot Loops because sometimes the universe makes sense. Would this be the same as the ghost of my dead gay uncle eating Boo Berry?