Live from the fortified compound Kevin Love is hiding out in until this “all blows over”, this is Pressure News Weekly!
We’ve been away for a week (or two) so let’s start this one off with a bang… sorry in advance.
Cairns, Australia has recently had to issue a retraction to a news article published Cairns Times. While the Australian resort town has gone out of its way to debunk the “fake news” article it made a lot of traction internationally and is a compelling cautionary tale if nothing else. The following is an account of the alleged incident.
A man in Cairns got ripped off his face on the street drug, Ice, and attempted to have sex with a crocodile.
This man is now dead.
A 26 year old local man, whose name is being withheld from the public, is being reported missing and presumed dead by Cairns Times after his friends witnessed him dragged under by the crocodile after the croc locked onto the man’s torso.
“He gets completely out of control when he’s on the gear,” the man’s friend told the paper. “He was a few hundred meters down the beach when he started pulling his clothes off. We thought he just wanted to streak or something but then up ahead we were shocked to see the croc.”
One thing led to another and well, as his friend put it, “Of course, the croc wasn’t having a bar of it, and it started thrashing around like crazy.”
The man was the dragged into the water and never seen from again.
Local rescue teams hold very little hold of any recovery at this point. As one local rescuer put, “To be taken by a croc in those circumstances I wouldn’t be optimistic for him surviving it.”
“They catch me rollin’ durty, coo coo”
A homing pigeon was apprehended by a Kuwaiti customs official as the bird crossed over from Iraq. When was the flying rat held up by the Man? Well, turns out it had an elegantly crafted back bag attached to it which held 178 ecstasy tablets. Little is known about the bird in question, who fitted it with its backpack or who the intended receiver was.
Due to the region, there is not a lot of news about the subject coming out following the initial story picked up by the BBC.
So next time you’re eating outside downtown, think twice at what you’re shooing away.
KID ROCK AND THE CURSE OF THE GLASS DILDO
Finally giving the eager public a response to the long awaited Insane Clown Posse Glass Dildo court case, Kid Rock has weighed in.
Oh, you haven’t heard of the Insane Clown Posse Glass Dildo court case? Good for you.
Anyway, Kid Rock (and how has he not changed his name to Man Rock by now?) has been contact by lawyers connected to members of ICP’s entourage and ordered to present the glass dildo he was supposedly gifted by an affiliate of the band, Dirty Dan Diamond, in court as part of an ongoing sexual assault case (shocker).
Mr. Rock claims to have never been gifted said dildo and cited an impressive knowledge of judicial precedence when he released a statement to both legal parties as follows, “All parties involved in this ICP glass dildo case can shove one up their ass.” Mr. Rock continues, “…if I had met your client I’d certainly remember if he tried to give me a glass dildo.”
Rock added, “How would you feel if one day your name appeared across the internet connected to a story you knew absolutely nothing about. One day you come downstairs to the angry glare of your wife who asks if you really were arrested over the weekend for driving high on crystal meth with a bound and gagged hooker in the trunk?”
I don’t know, kind of the same as if I woke up to find out the dildo I borrowed from a pair “wicked” clowns is due in court in an hour?
Also… meth and a bound hooker? That’s like really way too specific to have been made up.
Well, that’s it for us this week. This is Adam Dodd for Pressure News Weekly and I’m going to take a long shower with bleach and drink until I forget Kid Rock was a thing again.