Pressure News Weekly – May 6th

The Cavs are stomping a mudhole in the Raptors, its constantly wet outside and I stubbed my toe this morning. From the PressureLife news desk, this is Pressure News Weekly for the second week of May 2017. Let’s dig in!

 

RUN. JUST RUN.

It’s real!

Sharknados are freaking real!

Cyclone Debbie hit Queensland Australia with wallop. Knocking out power to thousands and slamming shores with winds up to 160 mph. 40,000 people were evacuated to higher grounds as flood waters rose.

And then this happened.

“Singing telegram…”

That’s right the storm kicked up a wave so volatile that the winds caught a full grown bull shark, flung it through the air before depositing it into a muddy puddle inland.

No word yet on the whereabouts of Tera Reid.

 

NOT SO FAST SPAM FILTER

Turns out all that money waiting for you in Nigeria if only you helped that one down-on-his-luck would-be prince was real. More than $43 million dollars was seized from an apartment in Nigeria after the Economic and Financial Crimes Commission received a tip about people moving bags in and out of the apartment.

Within three fireproof safes they found the $43 million in dollars, an additional $35,000 in UK pounds and $75,000 in Nigerian naira.

The whistleblower tip lines were established in the country after rampant federal corruption. A successful lead can net the whistleblower between 2.5 and 5 percent of the amount recovered. Making this bust quite the haul for some contentious objector who first noted “haggard” looking women in “dirty clothes” going in and out of the apartment loaded down with bags of cash.

 

HUNGRY… WHY WAIT?

According to the New York Daily News  a man in Florida was charged with burglary after breaking into a home while the owner was at work. His activities while inside? Drinking vodka and frying up some chicken.

Ronald Wesly was discovered by homeowner Samantha O’Neal and her sister when they arrived home later that night. Reported to have been an estranged acquaintance of O’Neal, Wesly had no permission or invitation to enter her home.

O’Neal’s sibling, Melissa Stanley, told local news affiliate, WOFL, “He was in here, drunk as a skunk, just being Betty Crocker.”

The galloping gourmand

After being thrown out by O’Neal, Wesly continued skulking throughout the area, apparently still concerned with finishing dinner, before authorities came and arrested him.

Not taken into evidence, the poultry was later consumed by another friend of O’Neal who admitted, “he seasoned it pretty well.”

 

SNAAAAKES!

Because Wal-Mart parking lots weren’t bad enough already.

“Snakes… it had to be snakes.”

Shoppers in Paragould, Arkansas were greeted with a flashmob of dozens of snakes greeting them as they stepped from their cars in the Wal-Mart parking lot.

Mercifully non-poisonous, upwards of forty snakes were unceremonious left in a giant pile in the middle of the store’s parking lot. Detective Jack Hailey believes the perpetrator collected the snakes for this specific reason but the motives remain unclear. He told local news, “they were collecting them for this reason, and I don’t think that was the best thing to at all. It could cause a panic with people trying to get away.”

No injuries were reported but good luck not being known as the Wal-Mart with all the fucking snakes in the parking lot.

 

THE THIRD MEOW

And now for our “yes, this actually happened” segment- Newport, Oregon police were called to potentially tense standoff. A perpetrator had what appeared to be a semi-automatic rifle. The suspect was positioned in a tree, hidden and taking aim at the unsuspecting public below.

Police had little to go on other than that the perp was a black and white housecat. So… yeah, you see where this is going.

Apparently the firearm was actually just a knobby stick the cat was holding onto. So, again… yeah.

 

I’ve been your anchor, Adam Dodd. This has been the Pressure News Weekly for the second week of May, and remember, be nice; shitty people are passe’.

 

Platform Beer Co
  • Adam Dodd

    Content Strategist, novelist and prolific roustabout who drinks entirely too much coffee. You can find him on Twitter @therealadamdodd

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