Pressure News Weekly

Live, from our undisclosed headquarters deep beneath the Free Stamp downtown, for the second week of December 2016, this is…
PressureLife News Weekly!

 

ALIENS AND NAZIS… IT WAS A MATTER OF TIME

The Russian Interfax news agency is reporting that a box has been unearthed in the Russian village of Kamennomostsky, amid the Adygea region. The box dates to the WWII era and is adorned with Nazi emblems, specifically the Ahnenerbe organization.

Here’s where it gets interesting. The Ahnenerbe were of Hitler’s own personal commission and were tasked to investigate the origins of the Aryan race. The contents of the box found in the remote regions of Russia with Ahnenerbe insignias? Skulls. Not human skulls. Not animal skulls either. The species that the skulls belong to has yet to be identified but there is speculation that the Ahnenerbe’s origin-searching pursuits were connected to the skulls, of which the internet has declared extraterrestrial.

Because… aliens.

You can watch the video here, http://youtu.be/uEHP3up4YyY and judge for yourself.

Seems legit…

While it should be noted that there is no empirical evidence to the skulls’ alien origins or subsequent their Nazi/alien connections, but then again, when Nazis are involved when are aliens not?

 

HAVE TACKLE, WILL TRAVEL

If your angler game is solid you may want to make it Green River, Wyoming, January 7th and 8th. Resembling eels and renowned for their ugliness, the burbot are an invasive species that threatens to push out the local trout. To combat their rising numbers, Game and Fish and Trout Unlimited have teamed with Green River authorities to tag twenty-five of these troublesome burbots. If it’s your bait that a tagged burbot bites down on you can enter a raffle to win a thousand dollars. While there is no limit to the amount of burbots fishers can claim, only twenty-five will bear the lucky tags.

The PressureLife News Desk is currently reaching out to Browns GM, Shashi Brown, to determine just how many of the tagged burbots not caught by local fishers will be drafted by the 2017 starting lineup.

“Burbot: Wanted Dead or Alive” This fall on the CW

GONZO GRASS

If this is your thing: the late Hunter S. Thompson, writer and father of Gonzo Journalism, will now have his own authentic strain of marijuana for sale in such states that allow for such commerce. According to his widow, Anita Thompson, she is working in concert with her late-husband’s publishing agents and a cannabis company to extract the very DNA from the marijuana and hashish that Anita has saved since her husband’s suicide in 2005

This is good news for character actor, Johnny Depp, who can now continue to stay high off the writer’s supply indefinitely.

 

99 PROBLEMS BUT URINARY TRACT INFECTION IS NO LONGER ONE OF THEM

Ghasi Ram of the Uttar Pradesh village in northern India apparently confused reality with a cutaway gag from Family Guy. The 37 year old husband and father of two came home intoxicated and looking for marital relations only to be rebuked by his wife. Ghasi is quoted in a Daily Mail article of his wife, “We haven’t had a physical relationship in the past ten years.” Instead of polishing up this apparent stand-up routine for a tight thirty minute set on HBO, Ghasi opted to cut his problem off at the base before it came to a head. “I cut it off,” Ghasi explained, “because she doesn’t understand me. She is very stubborn.”

Ghasi Ram reflecting on recent life choices

“He has lost his mind.” Ghasi’s wife of eighteen years, Devi, was quoted. …And that was before she heard about his amateur amputation.

There has been no confirmation if doctors were able to reattach the penis.

Which, incidentally, is also the last sentence you ever want to hear when you wake up in the hospital.

 

HAVE YOU NEVER SEEN A MOVIE?

Bradley Chavert, whom Inverse magazine referered to as a sex industry entrepreneur, has made bold plans for London, weird, kinda creepy plans. In prime ‘what’s the worst that can happen’ fashion, Chavert represents an entertainment company that intends to open the first coffee shop that features robotic sex workers. Done so, to get around all the pesky ethical and social constraints that human sex workers obligate.

Chavert envisions staffing this red-light Westworld pastry stop with cybernetic intimacies priced at 60 pound for fifteen minutes alone. Chavert has already been in contact and made intitial plans for the production of the staff with company, My Silicone Love Doll. Chavert was quoted in the Inverse article, “You could not imagine how many people are ready to give sex robots a try in 2016.”

2016, indeed.

“Pucker up”

 

 

 

 

 

That’s the news for this week. Until next time, I’m Adam Dodd from the PressureLife News Desk. And remember, from the Eastside to the Westside and all points between, “Stay weird, Cleveland”

Platform Beer Co
  • Adam Dodd

    Content Strategist, novelist and prolific roustabout who drinks entirely too much coffee. You can find him on Twitter @therealadamdodd

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