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The 2016 Summer Olympics are right around the corner but host city, Rio de Janeiro, is having more than its fair share of difficulty getting the event to run smoothly, in fact it’s a downright disaster. Considering how low the bar is set in Rio, we figured why not reward a more deserving, equally desperate, city closer to home? To that end, Pressure Life presents the Top 5: Reasons East Cleveland Should Host the 2016 Summer Olympics

 

5) Let’s call it an Administration… “Kerfuffle”:TrinityBlight

It’s a busy time in Brazil at the moment. President Dilma Rousseff has just been ousted. While those that ran her out claimed her inclusion in the scandalous Panama Papers were the final straw, Rousseff claims the takeover a “coup”, and there’s a mounting pile of evidence she may be right. Either way, it makes for an interesting backdrop for this year’s Games.

Larger than one person, East Cleveland is in the midst of a “kerfuffle” of its own. Cash-strapped and without recourse, the premise has been floated that Cleveland Proper should absorb not only the satellite city but its debt as well. Obviously, Cleveland is not too keen on the idea. Here’s a better one. Dilma Rousseff is looking for work and East Cleveland could use a way to make some quick cash. Have Dilma chair the committee that helps move what Olympic gear that has not already been boosted by any number of the Brazilian street gangs to the corner of 105 and Euclid. From there, the beleaguered city and the exiled former-President can both make money hand over fist as world spectators flock to see athletes compete in the 100 meter dash (away from a crackhead).

 

4) Sewage Waters: rio wter

Here’s a picture of Rio’s sewage laden Guanabara Bay.Coincidentally, that is also where Olympians will be taking part in many of this year’s water events. Trash, oil, scores of fetid fish rot along the surface where the sailing and rowing teams compete. A German sailing member has already been hospitalized for multiple several infections related to contact with the water.

The upside of holding the Games in East Cleveland? With all the old water treatment plants in need of repair all emptying out into the lake we already have a lifelong tolerance built up. Local athletes will gain an edge when the plucky Czechoslovakian in lane three keels over with a wicked case of E. Coli that proves as unfortunate as it is explosive.

 

3) Just a Touch of Plague:31RIOWATERweb1-master1050

Unlike the bird and swine flues of years past, this one is an actual danger to Americans. A disease spread by mosquito bites, Zika can lead to micro encephalitis and other birth defects, and now can even be transmitted sexually. Considering that the South American region is where the virus originated and is spreading within due to ongoing poor overall medical and health conditions, many athletes and commentators have already declined the trip, including NBC’s Savannah Guthrie, golfers Jordan Speith, Rory Mclroy, Adam Scott, Louis Oosthuizen, Graeme McDowell, Vijay Singh and Jason Day, as well as U.S. cyclist, Tejay van Garderen. But look on the bright side. If the athletes were relocated to East Cleveland, surely they would step on enough used needles lying around to eventually inoculate themselves from just about anything.

 

2) Let’s Hope You Can Run Fast…:police sigh

This is a photo of what will greet Olympians as they enter the Rio airport. The people holding that sign are not local artists or disaffected career dissidents. Those are the police. So take it from them, this is a definitely a “buddy-system” city. It is so bad that the police force had to take donations for pens and toilet paper (seriously). The city’s helicopters have been permanently grounded and only half of their squad cars run because they can’t afford the fuel. An Australian Paralympic sailor was robbed at gunpoint and had his bicycle stolen. While three members of the Spanish sailing team were likewise robbed by five youths with guns. Consider them Rio’s Welcoming Committee. All this, to say nothing of the mutilated body that washed upon the very Rio beach that they will be spiking volleyballs on in a few short weeks. It is not an exaggeration to say that Rio de Janeiro is a lawless free-for-all.

But let’s face it, if you’ve gotten stranded and had to walk home through East Cleveland at 3 am on a Friday and lived to tell about it there’s really not much left that Rio can throw at you. And, let’s keep it 100%, which one of us doesn’t know a guy who knows a guy that found a body after it washed up at Edgewater or Euclid Beach?

 

1) Mascots; The Deadly And The Dead:0621-jaguar-at-olympics-jair-araujodiario-do-amazonasafp-3

In case you missed it, the jaguar that was to serve as Rio’s living mascot was summarily executed by Olympic attendants after handlers misjudged the wild cat’s tranquilizer dosage. The jaguar became agitated as the drugs wore off when it realized that it was, in fact, in Rio de Janeiro. We would not have such an unseemly spectacle with the fauna available in East Cleveland. Rest easy, Olympic Committee.

There’s no concern of getting mauled by the selection of possible mascots here. Choose from: the Dirty Sparrow, Overly-Aggressive Pigeon. Dead Rat. The always popular, “Oh, wait… It’s a Live Rat”. Desiree, the Transvestite Hooker (from Narnia), or go with consistent crowd pleaser, Sketchy, the Daytime Opposum with One Eye.

 

So, until the Olympic Rings get fenced for scrap metal, Game On!

Platform Beer Co
  • Content Strategist, novelist and prolific roustabout who drinks entirely too much coffee. You can find him on Twitter @therealadamdodd

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