Coming off the heels of a monumental Cavalier celebration downtown and a successful, albeit raucous, Republican National Convention, there’s no arguing, Cleveland is on a roll. And there’s only one thing to do with a hot hand- ya gotta let it roll. With that in mind, we give you, PressureLife’s Top 5 Events Cleveland Should Host...
5) NBA All-Star Game: After North Carolina passed their controversial bathroom laws, NBA Commissioner and Golum stand in, Adam Silver, admirably cancelled their scheduled All-Star game that was to be hosted in the Tar Heel State. Cleveland can be rough around the edges, but we’re inclusive too. Think of Asiantown, Little Italy, all the amazing Vietnamese restaurants, the Halal-prepared meat stores, the artisanal/organic/fusion hipster enclaves, Buddhist temples, Unitarian churches, the gay bars in Lakewood, host of 2014’s Gay Games. We’ve got a little bit of everything for everyone. And, nothing for nothing, but we are the World Champions of the league. That should carry a bit of sway, no?
4) The Filming of Escape from Cleveland: If you’ve ever had more than three drinks with me you’ve invariably heard me reference 1981’s, Escape From New York. In the 1996 sequel, Escape from L.A., Kurt Russell’s character, Snake Plissken, is challenged by Cuervo Jones, “You may have survived Cleveland. You may have escaped New York…” Taking place, presumably, between New York and L.A., we need to see this unchronicled adventure to find out just what Plissken did to survive a Friday night on Detroit Avenue.
3) MORTAL KOMBAT!!!: We take hometown UFC fighters, Stipe Miocic and Jessica “Evil” Eye, lure some burly Canadian fishermen that strayed too far from home, and toss in whichever Browns players are currently available due to drug/drinking suspensions and watch as they fight other local pugilists in the basement of a Flats warehouse, occasionally employing fireballs, grapple hooks, acidic spit, and freeze blasts. Don’t worry, it is the Flats after all. I’m sure no one will think anything out of the ordinary. And hey, Machine Gun Kelly could double as an anorexic Johnny Cage… if you squint, and had a few dozen shots first.
2) Speed Boat Races: Monte Carlo, the French Rivera, Edgewater. Okay, so one of those things is not like the others. But think about it- a crystal blue lake with the sun dappling off the waves as it hangs fat and low in the clear midday sky. You squint through the amber haze and look out to the eager pilots going over last minute dock preparations. In one hand is a cocktail (in a martini glass to hide the fact it’s really your fifth Coors Light) in your other arm hangs your elegantly attired, debonair lover, fresh from their Monaco runway show (a swing shift serving drinks at the Happy Dog).
Slender cigarette boats rocket across the surface of the water over a hundred miles an hour (I have no idea how fast boats go) and Raul hands you your winnings after you took the long shot to win in the third heat. He says the driver for the boat “Bogata Breeze” caught some nasty Norovirus from the Republican Californian delegates in town last week and that they need you to man the wheel. You slide the shades down your nose, looking their bridge to your lover with a knowing wink before you saunter off, beating the other racers with style to spare. I don’t know about you, but it sounds hella fancy to me.
1) Annual Cavs Day: The Cavs Victory Parade on June 22 was one of Cleveland’s most memorable moments since its inception; and one of the few entirely positive ones. The entire city came together as one family to celebrate victory, teamwork, dedication, faith, and that salty look forever backhanded across Steph Curry’s baby face. For a few hours that sunny day, Cleveland was the happiest place on earth. We should honor this jubilation every year. The championships will come and go, but the annual Cavs Day will be a celebration of the spirit of the city that was on display for the original Cavs Victory Parade. Every year, a million people should flood downtown for an outdoor cookout and celebration where we could ceremoniously crown the King of Cleveland to one of the city’s best and brightest citizens that follow in the greatness and charity of the true King of the Land.