Pressure Top Ten: Cleveland Improvements for 2017

We’re so close to kicking 2016 to the curb! For better or worse, one year is at an end and we’re ready to do even better with the next one. So, join us once again as we rip off David Letterman for the Pressure Top Ten!

 

TOP TEN CLEVELAND IMPROVEMENTS FOR 2017

10) Browns to start less than nine quarterbacks per game

9) To raise funds, East Cleveland budget reworded to include “glass façades”

8) Seeking performance art grant, street gangs required to whistle and snap fingers while carjacking

7) After public polling, Cleveland Indians renamed: “Your Mother”

6) With highest murder rate in decades, Cleveland employs Robocops to patrol Westside

5) Newly installed Robocops rolled for scrap metal by whistling street gangs

4) All males turning eighteen are to register with Selective Services and local microbreweries

3) In tell-all autobiography, Indians mascot, Slider, details torrid love affair with Onions the Condiment Racer and Orel Hershiser

2) For sake of accuracy, Free Stamp relocated to East Cleveland City Hall


AND, THE NUMBER ONE CLEVELAND IMPROVEMENT FOR 2017 IS…

1) Dan Gilbert to buy lake; announces more glass facades!

 

Platform Beer Co
  • Content Strategist, novelist and prolific roustabout who drinks entirely too much coffee. You can find him on Twitter @therealadamdodd

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