With the home openers of both the Indians World Series and the Cavaliers season and championship ring ceremony slated for this Tuesday, join us, once again, in ripping off David Letterman for this week’s Pressure Top Ten!
Top Ten: Things to Look for this Tuesday
10) Charlie Sheen agrees to throw out first pitch only for Ashton Kutcher to replace him at last moment
9) Condiment Racers spotted roughing up Cubs pitcher, Jake Arrieta, beneath the bleachers
8) Cavs season opening rival, New York Knicks, mathematically eliminated from playoffs shortly before tip-off
7) Despondent former Cavs mascot, Whammer the polar bear, seen drinking heavily with short-lived failed ’70s Indians mascot, the Baseball Bug
6) Carlos Baerga tazed and dragged off field during third inning, screaming, “it should have been us!”
5) Tristan Thompson and rumored fiancee, Khloe Kardashian, break-up, reunite, break-up again, elope, go missing, release a mix-tape, and break-up once more before halftime.
4) For his next championship, LeBron announces he will assume the entire Browns starting line.
3) Jose Mesa sacrificed on altar during seventh inning stretch
2) Time Warner reveals its sale to AT&T done solely to afford parking spot
And, the number one thing to watch for this Tuesday in Cleveland is…
1) Meeting for first time, Cubs mascot, Clark the Cub, and Slider have mutual epiphanies, realizing neither has been wearing pants