Live from when this was originally written, from the PressureLife News Desk, I’m Adam Dodd and you’re not.
And now, the news…
LOOKING TO SHED SOME POUNDS?
An Oregonian brother and sister went hiking through Yellowstone National Park recently but met with tragic results. After searching for geyser-fueled pools to soak in (despite the Park’s repeated warning and rules against doing just that), Colin Scott reached down to test the temperature of the hot spring when, according to his sister, Sable, Colin lost his footing and tumbled into the hot springs. It turns out it was in fact hot, very hot, as well as corrosively acidic.
While search and rescue workers wasted little time in attempting to rescue the body, which was spotted that night, a severe lightning storm forced them to return the next day. When they returned scant hours later no trace of Colin could be found within the hot spring. Deputy Chief Ranger Lorant Veress put it simply, “In a very short order, there was a significant amount of dissolving.”
And you thought “shrinkage” was bad.
SILENCE IN EL SEGUNDO
In what appears to be the making of a Daredevil arch-villain, John Nuggent was recently apprehended for what a NBC Los Angeles news outlet described as “terrorizing the residents of El Segundo for weeks”. The man who’s bushy, wide-eyed mug shot may offer insight into his methodology or lack thereof, has been patrolling the quiet community in the dead of night with his secret weapon: an air horn. Actually, lots of air horns.
For weeks on end, as late as 4 a.m., residents were awoken to the nightly horn blasts. “The sound is like a train coming through the neighborhood,” El Segundo Police Lt. Ray Garcia is quoted. Apparently, it is harder to chase down a sound than a sight, as police were never able to reach Nuggent in time before another horn could be heard emanating from across town. After a routine traffic stop in the area, police noticed the air horn equipment within the car along with a description that fit Nuggent’s appearance. Nuggent was booked on a misdemeanor charge of suspicion of disturbing the peace.
It is unclear if overzealous librarians murdered his parents or if he’s simply celebrating goals from sports games across the world in real time. If origin stories befitting someone of his character are to be believed, the Sonic Scourge of El Segundo will soon be reunited with his air horn when it is fused to his larynx in some sort of bizarre explosive accident involving prison experiments and lightning storms.
On the plus side, he’ll probably get a bitching cape.
WHO TURNS DOWN PIZZA?
A college girl in Amherst, Massachusetts was turned away at the door of the New England local establishment, The Monkey Bar, for failing to produce proper identification at the door. The identification she tried to use? A slice of pizza. When the bouncer asked for I.D. at the door, the young collegiate slapped him a slice of pie instead and when the mushroom and pepperoni didn’t work, she slapped him for realsies- in the face. Her attitude when local police arrived was reportedly not improved. She arrested and issued an order banning her from the Monkey Bar indefinitely. Shocking no one, copious amounts of alcohol were involved in this story.
No word yet if the slice in question was thin crust, or in fact, the much more lethal, stuffed crust.
ROOSTER ON THE RUN
A runaway rooster is on the lam. I repeat, runaway rooster on the lam. Rudy is a Pittsburgh rooster with a wild-roaming heart. While this region of Pittsburgh allows for several types of farm animals in residential neighborhoods, rooster are forbidden due to their noise. While owning all but a forwarding address to local resident, Henry Gaston’s backyard, the homeowner insists that Rudy is more of a squatter who just appeared in his backyard one day and made it his second home. After becoming a minor celebrity among the townsfolk who feed and pet him, Rudy now knows no fear and goes where he pleases. After animal control decided to crackdown, Rudy showed them just how good he can shake his tail feathers.
To date, in attempts to capture the male chicken- the homeowner has failed, a city inspector has failed, multiple animal control agents have failed, an assistant city solicitor has failed. A man who fancies himself a “chicken rescuer”, Frank Cantone, is headed the 600 miles to Pittsburgh at the time of writing this to presumably fail as well. And Rudy isn’t going underground through all this, he still struts his stuff across town, traipsing up and down sidewalks like a true avian Al Capone. When the various authorities come calling, Rudy is always to one step ahead of them taking to the nearest tree until the heat dies down.
Fines against Gaston at a $1,000 a day until he brings in this renegade rooster haven’t helped, as Gaston noted with a certain Zen quality, “what almost-70-year-old can catch a rooster that can fly?”
One assistant city solicitor who failed in his own attempt at capturing Rudy was quoted, “we thought we were smarter than the rooster. We weren’t.”
That’s it for this week, folks. From the Eastside to the Westside and all points between, this has been the PressureLife Weekly World News. Good night and keep hustling, Cleveland…