It is with a heavy heart that we announce… that everyone’s butt-hole’s can now stop quivering.
White Castle, the company that has brought us such culinary super-creations as the chicken ring slider, the pizza slider, and a whole slew of additional, deliciously-dangerous morsels, will be shutting its doors for good here in Cleveland, as well as four other locations throughout Northeast Ohio, on Christmas Eve. And though the days of buying a 30-pack CRAVE CASE® in a drunken stupor—as hilarious as they were—are now gone, we find solace in knowing that we will never again have to wake up ridiculously hungover, with those delicious little sautéed onions all over our chest and a nice case of the shits. No, not the normal one-and-done type of shits. But the type of shits that are an all day affair while you work that dead end job ushering fat cows to their trough at the local Applebee’s.
Also a casualty in this horrific undoing is White Castle’s siamese business twin, Church’s Chicken. And although you may have considered combining two power houses under one roof to be a good move, it has finally proven itself fruitless. But still, we commend you Mr. Church, for going down with the ship. It shan’t go unnoticed.
With all that said, we have one final parting remark for you, White Castle. Thanks for being you these past 93 years. It was a good run, but the collective anus of Cleveland thanks you for throwing in the towel.