Fast forward to January 27, 2017. Indians pitcher Ryan Merritt marries long-time girlfriend Sarah Brushaber in her home state of Minnesota. Cleveland crashes the wedding and delivers an impromptu best man toast.
Good evening everyone. Wow, I can’t believe that we’re finally here. It seemed like it was just yesterday that my boy here Ryan helped close out the ALCS with four solid innings against the Blue Jays in Toronto. Awesome game bro! Jose Bautista said you’d be shaking in your boots, but what he didn’t realize was you have freakin’ ice in your veins! Probably from living in Northeast Ohio.
Toronto sucks anyway. The only thing it gave us was WrestleMania VI.
Anyway, when Tito said you were starting Game 5, I’ll be honest, I had no idea who the hell you were. I thought maybe you were a contest winner from WKNR or something. I knew all the other dudes because being Cleveland I had to make up the sickest of nicknames. Check it.
(Crowd clearly losing interest at this point)
I call Kluber “Klube Stop” because Lube Stop said they’d give 5% off if I shouted them out.
Tomlin I call “Nickelback” because, well…
Bauer I call “Brat Pack” because he looks like the spoiled rich kid from any John Hughes movie.
And Andrew Miller I call “The pitch doctor” because he puts a spell on bats that keeps them from hitting. Boom!
So when I heard you were starting I have to admit, I was a little apprehensive. Then you went up there and threw pure smoke and I was like, “Who is this baby face magic maker?”
Speaking of magic maker I want to let all the bridesmaids know Ole’ Cleveland here is single and ready to mingle you all the way back to my hotel room over at the Days Inn.
(Cleveland winks at bridesmaid, who rolls her eyes)
Anyway, I want to take a moment and before I get back to my man Ryan I want to say Sarah, you look gorgeous tonight. Absolutely stunning. Why you chose to have a Minnesota January wedding is beyond me, but love makes us do strange things.
Guys, confession time, I have to admit that I didn’t actually get you a wedding gift nor was I invited, as most of you probably know by this point.
Back in October when everyone was getting you gifts from Target and Pottery Barn I was between jobs while also taking a full course load at Lakeland Community College of 6 credit hours. It was a little trying at that point, but the hope you gave me through your game 5 experiences allowed me to be here with you today. So Ryan, thank you.
If we can all raise our glasses.
Ryan I can’t say thanks enough for helping close out that series against the Jays. You shut up Bautista and more importantly, at least for a few days, Ron Darling. You got your whole life in front of you with your new bride and I have no doubt in the near future you’ll doing Mr. Hero spots like all the great ones.
To quote one of my favorite baseball players of all time, Roger Dorn, when it comes to life and there’s bases loaded with a full count, do what Ricky did and strike this mother-
(Security tackles Cleveland and escorts him out of the room. Being hauled off with arms flailing, #CLE shouts to the crowd)
Dude when you consummate your marriage make sure Hammy is on the call!
Josh Womack is the head writer of Laugh Staff where he writes hilarious wedding speeches.