It seems the U.S. has always had a wavering tolerance for toleration, but no holidays are safe in these tricky times. First it was Thanksgiving.
Then it was Christmas. Now a war has been waged against St. Patrick’s Day, the age-old celebration of the patron saint of Ireland that dates back to the 17th century. The tradition was brought here by our forefathers, but opponents claim St. Pat is too manly, too drunk, too Christian, or too Irish. For some misandrous, straight-edge, atheistic xenophobes, he’s all of the above. For the rest of us who refuse to let the saint go gentle into that drunk night, here’s how we’ll end St. Paddy’s War.
Gather the troops
You can’t fight a war without an army, and every army needs a few good men, women, or anything in between. Remember, tolerance is key. This war is not for the light of weight. No recruits under 21, on the wagon, or still hungover from last year. For sober allies looking to support the troops, every militia needs reliable transportation. We want YOU for designated drivers. Once you’ve sorted through the genuine draft dodgers and assembled you team, reveal the master plan: you’re saving Private Patrick.
Prepare for battle
It’s time to gear up, or “pre-game” as the veterans call it. Dressing for the front lines of this fight won’t require the stealth of camouflage fatigues, but instead something that screams “Kiss me, I’m Irish” because dammit, we’re all Irish on St. Patrick’s Day. Naturally, the only conceivable battle attire is a leprechaun hat, shamrock glasses, and a green sweatsuit. Before you kiss your loved ones goodbye, take a moment to enjoy a traditional feast of St. Patrick: corned beef, cabbage, and enough Guinness to set a world record. This war is hell on an empty stomach.
Storm the field
After your squad leaves homebase, the war has already begun. Let your St. Pat-pride be heard by anyone within earshot as your travel to the nearest canteen for ceremonial emerald libations. Fuel up with the spirits of the saint. Your unit must army crawl through the bar crawl to receive your next marching orders. These will lead you straight into the heart of the parade. Surrounded by your allies, stride honorably through the middle of the streets, in spite of the enemies, commuters, and all-around parade-haters.
Nuke and rally
The parade is a swift victory. A four-leaf mushroom cloud lies in its wake, but don’t celebrate the celebration just yet. Your elite unit better be locked and loaded—you may have won the parade, but you haven’t won the bar. Inside the pub you hear shots—the bartender is serving car bombs. This is the perfect time to slosh the good word of Patrick to all in attendance. Your adversaries will promptly reveal themselves, unable to hide their disdain for your holiday. This is the final hoedown. If you can fend off the onslaught of bullshit and blackouts, you may just survive to last call
Get home safely and go to bed
The war is over. You may be wasted, but the day was not. Today, you fought to preserve the legacy of St. Patrick by getting hammered among friends and strangers in public. Mission accomplished! You’ve learned a valuable lesson in the process—war is a warm beer and should be avoided at all costs. Now go sleep it off, but beware. In the dead of night, when the resistance inevitably sneak attacks your customs and shuns your allegiance to St. Patrick, just handle it the same way he would—like a saint.
Happy St. Paddy’s Day!