Soon it will be Cleveland’s Christmas: St. Patrick’s Day.
We celebrate St. Patrick driving the snakes out of Ireland by getting drunk enough to think that someone could actually drive snakes like they’re cars. It’s a celebration that despite its Irish heritage brings people from all walks of life together, except for one type of people: people who don’t drink, a group who has been excluded from enjoying in the festivities for too long. However, I have a way to bring them into the fold while keeping the St. Patrick’s Day time-honored tradition of being so hungover the next day you realize you need to have a better relationship with your mother.
To do this, we have to appeal to the people who don’t drink. And you know what every single person who doesn’t drink loves? You guessed it, karate, or as they call it in the Far East, “karate.” And you know what people who love karate love? The 2006 direct-to-DVD movie Road House 2, or as they call it in the Far East, “Casa De La Road Dos.” And you know what people who love the movie Road House 2 love? The movie Road House. And you know what people who love the movie Road House love? The director of the film Road House, Rowdy Herrington. And you know what people who love Road House director Rowdy Herrington love? Benny Urquidez, the technical advisor on martial arts for the movie Road House. And you know who Benny Urquidez, the technical advisor for martial arts on the movie Road House, worked with on the movie Road House? That’s right, Patrick Swayze. Do you catch my drift here? We should change St. Patrick’s Day to St. Patrick Swayze’s Day.
Sure, St. Patrick drove the snakes out of Ireland, but St. Patrick Swayze drove himself right into our hearts with his performance in Dirty Dancing. Also, did you know Patrick Swayze got the chance to perform alongside THE Whoopi Goldberg in THE movie Ghost? Instead of celebrating some old saint that scared snakes away from a country your significant other cheated on you in when they studied abroad in college, we can now celebrate someone that really matters. Someone that was named PEOPLE’s Sexiest Man Alive in 1991.
Don’t worry alcoholics, just because we’re changing it to St. Patrick Swayze’s Day doesn’t mean we can’t still keep all the same traditions of St. Patrick’s Day, especially the drinking. Patrick Swayze loved to party after all (I’m not sure if this is true, but when I Googled “Patrick Swayze party,” I found a picture of him with Paula Abdul, so you be the judge). Plus, we can add some fun new traditions. Doesn’t Patrick Swayze rip somebody’s throat out in Road House? Boom, St. Patrick Swayze’s Road House Delight, a grain alcohol so strong it’ll have you begging to get your throat forcefully removed from your body. Most importantly, with St. Patrick Swayze’s Day, can you imagine how fun a parade would be full of drunk people doing karate? That’s the kind of fighting Irish I want to see.
So please, Cleveland, join with me in my quest to change St. Patrick’s Day to St. Patrick Swayze’s Day, a holiday everyone can celebrate. If we can accomplish this, maybe someday we can even accomplish something really hard, like changing New Year’s Eve to Keanu Year’s Reeves.