[intro-text size=”25px”]Ah, St. Patrick’s Day. Corned Beef. Kegs and Eggs. Shamrock Shakes. Just the color green in general. Sure the true meaning of this holiday is essentially irrelevant in our misappropriated version, but whether you like to celebrate it or not, it’s this Tuesday, and there is no escaping the madness.

Taking a taxonomic approach, we’ve created this handy guide to help you clearly identify some of the strange species you may encounter in this jungle-like terrain. Observe carefully in their natural habitat and see if you can catch them all![/intro-text] [divider type=”thin” spacing=”25″]

The Homebody

The hardest to find of the categories on this list, The Homebody will not be found in a bar or at the parade. Unless of course huge amounts of needling draws them from their cave, in which case they are likely to become The Babysitter.

  • Most likely to be heard saying: “No.” via text message.
  • Will be found: At home, ignoring you.
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The Cubicle Human

This poor schmuck couldn’t get off on St. Patrick’s Day and is too responsible to call in sick. He’s hoping that by the time he’s done with work his buddies won’t be too trashed. Five o’clock comes around and no one is answering his texts. Sad, but still optimistic, he goes to their usual hangout only to be surrounded by sloppy strangers. If you’re lucky, you can spot The Cubicle Human around noon in business casual attire, desperately trying to catch up.

  • Most likely to be heard saying: “Hey man call me back when you get this,” to which no one will respond.
  • Will be found: The local pub at the top of the street drinking by himself. Mullens on Madison, Merry Arts, O’Donnels, Backstage Bar
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The Irish Descendant

Strutting into the bar with their chest puffed out, sending a subtle signal of superiority, The Irish Descendant is perhaps the most dangerous of them all. They may scoff at your contributions to the commercialism and kitsch, but as card-carrying members of the Mc/O’-something club, their debauchery is a divine right. Throwing back car bombs and Killian’s, they may pepper into conversation the historic relevance of the paddy wagon, the kissing of the Blarney Stone and the complete Pogues discography, but whatever you do, do not argue. Resist the urge to correct their inaccurate retelling of the potato famine, because unless you’re in town straight from Dublin, they will always be drunker, more determined, and more Irish than you.

  • Most likely to be heard saying: “Well I’m actually Irish, so….”
  • Will be found: PJ McIntyre’s, The Harp, Parnell’s or anywhere else that sounds authentic, but not overdone.
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Some Asshole with a Vuvuzela at the Bar

ALRIGHT NOW LISTEN HERE, YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE. DON’T YOU FUCKING DO IT. HORNS ARE FOR OUTSIDE. GOD DAMNIT.

  • Most likely to be heard saying: Nothing. They will say nothing. Just keep blowing on that fucking horn.
  • Will be found: Flannery’s and W. 6th Street. Pissing everyone off.
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The Walking Blackout

You will recognize The Walking Blackout by the glazed eyes, slow reaction times and general lack of ability to converse. He may accidentally spill your beer (and his,) or faceplant on his way to the bathroom. Usually starts out as The Rager, and ends up as The Puker in between one eyed texts.

  • Most likely to be heard saying: “I’m totally sober” while texting their exes and dropping their phone.
  • Will be found: Pretty much anywhere liquor is found, probably attached to The Babysitter. Liquid, West Park Station, Barley House
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The Babysitter

This hero comes in two forms. 1. There’s the responsible friend (The Homebody) who will come pick you up from W. 6th at 11 a.m. since you thought kegs and eggs at 6 a.m. was a great idea. 2. There’s the friend who can hold their liquor better than you. They’ll escort you from bar to bar while you high five everyone that walks past.

  • Most likely to be heard saying: “C’mon it’s only 11, you need some Red Bull.”
  • Will be found: There’s one in every group.
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Underage Drunks

You’ll find these miscreants carrying Big Gulps, or something similar, which by now are only half-filled with the cherry vodka that somebody’s older brother bought. They’re irritating, they’re desperate to feel cool, and they’re pretty sure this is the best day of their lives.

  • Most likely to be heard saying: “Oh my god there’s a cop, be cool”
  • Will be found: Downtown and in your neighbor’s basement. Smoking whatever cigarettes their mom does.
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The Puker

Almost a guaranteed St. Paddy’s find, particularly if you go downtown. They may be found sprinting to bathroom with a hand cupped over their mouth, bent over a trash can on any street corner, or leaning on the Soldiers’ and Sailors’ Monument, apologizing to their forefathers between bouts of violent sickness.

  • Most likely to be heard saying: “Nah I’m good bro, must have been the corned beef.”
  • Will be found: Around the Corner, Panini’s Downtown
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The Rager

Everyone has The Rager inside of them, some let it out more than others. It’s okay to be the life of the party at 7 a.m. chugging Jamo. The Rager walks a fine line between confidently cool and completely desperate for attention. With the face paint, green tassels and hiked up green and orange knee socks—they’re coming for you. Friend or not, this person is valuable. At least you’ll get a few shots out of them. But beware, the rager can also be  Some Asshole with a Vuvuzela at the Bar.

  • Most likely to be heard saying: “Let’s rage”
  • Will be found: There’s at least one at every bar.
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The Break-Up

A St. Patrick’s Day tradition, The Break Up will probably be two Walking Blackouts screaming at each other in public, unintelligibly. They will most likely seem to be speaking a different language that only they understand, and then they will storm off in opposite directions. This can lead to Black Out Love.

  • Most Likely to be heard saying: “YOU’RE DRUNK!” in slurred speech. And/or “WE’RE OVER” only to apologize the next morning and get engaged.
  • Will be found: On any street stumbling home after 7 p.m, or behind the bar next to the dumpster trying to be discrete.
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Black Out Loves

The only Paddy’s day type worth being. The opposite of The Break-Up but closely related. That sound of chewing is not corned beef, it’s two Walking Blackouts enjoying each others meals via embarrassing attempts to show their new found affection. Fun yet embarrassing, your friends will laugh at you tomorrow. Black Out Love can be a particular struggle for The Babysitter, who will have to decide if it’s their responsibility to protect their drunken friends from humiliation or not.

  • Most likely to be heard saying: “You’re so hot”
  • Will be found: The corner or bathroom of pretty much every bar in Cleveland.
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Predator

This species is particularly foul. They will wait, pace themselves, and then pounce on the drunkest, or preferred prey. The chances of coming out unscathed are slim. They will play the Black Out Loves card until you’ve woken up…naked.

  • Most likely to be heard saying: “Do you need a ride?”
  • Will be found: Any major district. Ohio City, Tremont, West Park, Lakewood, Cleveland.
Platform Beer Co
  • Show Comments

  • TJ Lewis

    Great post guys! Loved it

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