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The 12 Dates of Christmas

The 12 Dates of Christmas


Trying to stay romantic and on top of your dating game can be a difficult task in the dead of winter. Not only are people not particularly attractive layered up in sweaters, hats, and gloves, the freezing temperatures really limit the activities in which you can feign interest in this season.

Here’s a dozen great ideas for you and that special someone to get all bundled up and try out this holiday season.

Ice skating 

Sit this one out, eat an edible, and strap in for some of the best people watching you’ll see this season. Why tear your meniscus trying to impress a girl you couldn’t pick out of a line up when you can poke fun at some idiot for doing the same thing? Bonus points if they laugh harder when the kids fall down.

Decorate the Christmas tree 

A perfect way to invite them over for the first time without the thirsty undertones of “Netflix and chill,” even though that’s clearly the intention. Throw on Elf and sip that rum and eggnog. Hopefully by the end of the night, the star won’t be the only thing that ends up on top.

Pictures with Santa 

Ahhh, the couples costumes of December. The mixture of a seasonal mall employee’s lap and matching sweaters will land you booed up until at least New Year’s.

Meet the fam

What could go wrong bringing the Hinge match you’ve been dating for three weeks (who doesn’t shave her armpits and has a septum piercing) to your incredibly religious parent’s house? Bonus points if she goes on a feminist rant at your PaPaw for “mansplaining” the difference between stuffing and dressing.


A little healthy competition can be fun, so bet a kiss and see who makes it to the bottom of the hill faster. The great thing about well-insulated snow pants is that she will never be able to tell when you go from six to midnight, so fly that flag proud and good luck walking back up the hill.

Snowball fight

A perfect way to gauge just exactly how much toxic masculinity he’s been holding back. Bonus points if he yells, “fuck you, dad!” at any point.

Build a snowman

Bypass the pleasantries, just arrange the coals and carrot into a dick and balls like everyone knows you want to. If they laugh, hey, you’ve got a winner! If they roll their eyes at your immaturity, hey, at least you made a weiner.

Go last minute shopping

There’s no relationship test like a mall on Dec. 23 that’s overfilled with other trash people who are also too busy to prioritize their loved ones. Surviving the lines, picked-over toys, and general panic is either a surefire sign you’re meant to be or horrible foreshadowing that you’ll stay in this relationship way longer than either of you intended, because you’re both procrastinators who chalk red flags up to “personality quirks.”

Drive around looking at Christmas lights

The perfect date for a couple with no money and some gas. What’s more romantic than driving around neighborhoods you can never afford to live in and ogling at the Xanax-induced holiday displays put together by stay-at-home moms who secretly hate their lives?

Watch Lifetime holiday movies

The number of glasses of wine she has is directly proportional to the amount of bullshit holiday-themed lines she wishes you would hurl her way. Two glasses? Try something cliché and romantic like, “What could I possibly ask Santa for when everything I’ve ever wanted is standing right in front of me?” Five glasses? She can’t hear you anyway, so just grab a bucket and let her sleep it off on the couch.

Christmas songs drinking game

Go to a trendy bar with a well-played jukebox. Take a drink for every Christmas song you hear. Take a shot every time a dusty old regular bitches about the music. Take two shots every time *NSYNC’s, “Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays” or Mariah Carey’s, “All I Want for Christmas is You” plays. Chug your drink when the bartender inevitably has had enough and switches the music to his or her own personal Spotify. Call an Uber and compare hangovers in the morning.

Watch a Christmas play or musical

Who doesn’t want to see their fourth grade English teacher cope with his divorce by expressing himself through the art of community theater? Bonus points if you bring flowers and give them to a random thespian saying that their performance, “really spoke to you.”

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