I always knew I’d be hunted, but I thought it would have been by the hitman I had hired to find out if I had the will to live and also because I really love the game of hide and seek and feel like I haven’t played it enough as an adult. That’s not who I was being hunted by, however. A much more malicious and unrelenting being was stalking me.
I had fled to the northern wilderness, where there was more nature than man. An ancient place, that perhaps once nomadic tribes had inhabited, but their presence had long since ceased. It was Toledo, Ohio.
On my trek to this desolate tundra I had heard a monster on my trail, so I knew I had shaken it for the moment, but it was only a matter of time until I had to face it. I took shelter in a prehistoric structure that must have once been the site of a temple of great worship, considering the elevated stage, pole, and sign that said “GIRLS GIRLS GIRLS.” While I had hidden in this abandoned structure to rest, I also understood it would soon be the site of the showdown between myself and my hunter. It was to be the final showdown, a showdown finale. It was going to be a final showdown like that song, “The Final Showdown,” the song that’s about the final showdown, it was going to be like that. A final showdown.
Night had fallen when I heard it. It made a loud, whining noise as it broke into the dilapidated hovel I had made into my refuge. I hid in the back, listening as it searched for me, while seeming to shake, shudder, and sob as it moved. It seemed like hours as I watched it search, yet I knew it was only minutes. During that time, I knew I could have ran. I could have kept running, gone deeper into the wilderness, into places that had never been touched by mankind, like Dayton, Ohio. But, it seemed there was something within me—a deep, powerful force—that told me it was time to stop running. That’s why I stepped out and faced it. I looked the sniveling, snarling beast in it’s eyes as I stepped out, and it stared back at me, cold as ice. There was what had been chasing me all this time. It was My Emotions,and they totally sucked.
We looked at each for a moment that lasted and echoed into eternity. Then I broke its gaze and pulled out a picture. It was more than a picture to me, it was a memory in physical form. I took one last, hard look at this picture. One last, hard look at what had caused My Emotions to haunt me like this in the first place. Then, I finally let go of the picture of a T-shirt that said “I’m With Stupid” with the words “With love, from your one and only – Bud Light Ad Campaign Dog Extraordinaire Spuds MacKenzie.”