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If you’ve ever left SportsTime Ohio on after an Indians game, you may be familiar with a delightful little program called ‘Eighteen Holes with Jimmy Hanlin.’

Hosted by the show’s namesake, viewers watch Cleveland-based PGA golf pro Jimmy Hanlin as he instructs a pretty blonde woman (who is actually a professional golfer herself) on the finer points of knocking a little white ball into a small hole from long distances.

“What’s so special about a golf-tip show?” you might be asking. The answer lies not in the professional caliber of golfing-advice provided to viewers, but in Mr. Hanlin’s eclectic choice of legwear. Every episode delivers watchers an exciting new display of Jimmy’s maverick fashion sense, which is truly remarkable to behold.

In honor of Mr. Hanlin’s fantastic sense of style, we give you “The Top Five Jimmy Hanlin Pants”

One would imagine wearing green on a golf course would look rather redundant, yet Jimmy pulls it off with flair! His neon green pants evoke the color of foliage on the brightest, clearest, most cheerful of days; exactly the kind of day when one finds themselves itching to get out and hit the links! And of course, one can’t forget that the intended landing zone of a well-struck golf ball is called the ‘green’, a connection that surely wasn’t lost on Jimmy.

Finding these pantalons must have been like finding a diamond in the rough for Mr. Hanlin. Covering the spectrum of pastel red hues, they are truly extraordinary. Ironically, though, you’ll never find these diamond patterned slacks in the rough, because they’re on Jimmy Hanlin. And Jimmy Hanlin stays on the fairway.

Many men, uncomfortable with their masculinity, shy away from the color pink, pathetically afraid of being perceived as feminine or homosexual. Not Jimmy Hanlin! He eschews archaic, outmoded concepts of gender conformity and laughs defiantly at all the small-minded fools who would dare to criticize! And he does it on television, in front of millions of viewers! Quel galanterie! Furthermore, the lovely, vaguely psychedelic floral pattern is evocative of the peaceful tranquility and paradoxically awe-inspiring chaos of the natural world, in which the sport of golf makes its home. “They belong in an art museum, not on a golf course!” cry the critics. But Jimmy just smiles knowingly and birdies for the 3rd hole in a row.

So much audacity in one picture! Standing next to a body of water, the most sinister threat to any poorly hit golf ball, Hanlin gives the ultimate middle finger to anyone who ever told him his pants were too colorful! “So, you thought my last pair were too gawdy,” he seems to be saying while helping you get that pesky hook out of your drive, “Here’s a pair with all of the colors at once!” But he doesn’t have to say it. Because he’s Jimmy Fucking Hanlin and his pants do the talking for him.

These brightly patterned trousers earned the number one slot, believe it or not, for their subtlety. “Subtlety?” you cry, bewildered, “But you could see those from the golf course’s clubhouse!” But subtlety has many levels, you see. Observe: the type of pattern Jimmy is sporting here is known as ‘Houndstooth’, and the design is especially common in Scotland. Scotland is the birthplace of golf. By combining the thatched pattern with his signature neon coloring, Jimmy has therefore successfully mixed tradition with individuality, the sign of any great, forward-thinking fashionista. Now do you understand the ineffable genius of this man? Now do you see that he operates on plane far, far, above our own? He, truly, is an übermensch. So pay attention when he tells you how to square your hips while putting; there is far more wisdom in his words than we can even begin to comprehend.

Platform Beer Co
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