It’s been twelve weeks. Twelve long, exhausting, dry-ass weeks. It’s borderline torture. We as human beings need to be needed, want to be wanted. It’s in our nature to procreate, or at the very least, practice.
Dry spells will make you feel like you’re going through a second sexual awakening. A mere smile from a cute stranger has your flag raised to half mast. Did you seriously just gawk at the arms on the 40-year-old bald cashier with the “dad bod” at Walgreens? Oh no, you actually tried to get the attention of someone on the bus. Go ahead, try to convince yourself that he’s minimizing his carbon footprint. That’s really important to you. You definitely didn’t have to Google, “carbon footprint.”
Last night, you were actually scrolling through your contacts looking for the option with the least amount of consequences. Spoiler alert: they all suck or else you’d still be hooking up with someone. That’s why things end – because they aren’t right or you found out they’ve had a girlfriend for nine years. Either way, their time in your bed has passed.
So, now what? What are you supposed to do with all of this pent-up energy? Are f*ck buddies a thing? Can two people be friends with benefits without one of party developing feelings? Sure, you could just download an app and be up front about the fact that all you want out of this is sex, but you’re over one night stands. Sneaking out of apartments after they fall asleep is far less alluring in your 30s and you genuinely have to work in the morning. Plus, you’re ultimately looking for something much more meaningful than a “hit it and quit it,” so where is the compromise?
As someone who has spent most of 2019 living the driest of lifestyles, I have found it so easy to focus on all of the cons of not getting laid, but what about the pros? What about all of the good that can come from not getting it in?
Pro: You develop a sense of bravery like you have never felt before. With sex already off the table for such an extended period of time, you literally have nothing to lose by hitting on someone. While you’re at it, go for someone way out of your league. What’s the worst that’s going to happen? They turn you down? Cool. What’s one more night alone with the Rabbit when it has already been eight months? Best case scenario, you get to talking and one thing leads to another…congratulations, you just banged a solid midwestern seven!
Pro: You broaden your horizons. You’re going to start trying new things because you want to meet new people. Let me rephrase that – you have to meet new people. The same regulars at your favorite bar and the girl who runs trivia night clearly aren’t into it, so you need some new options. Maybe you get all dolled up to go to an event at an art gallery hoping to meet a petite artistic man with a scarf and just enough Instagram followers to be full of himself. Instead, you end up finding out that you’re super into impressionism and buy a piece from a badass local artist that brings your living room together better than “The Dude’s” rug. It feels good to be cultured.
Pro: You get hotter. When it’s been awhile since you’ve been intimate with someone, you start to see opportunities around every corner. Any place could be the place you meet your slumpbuster. You start to care about what you look like in public, like you’re a functioning member of society or something. Make up at the gym? Don’t mind if I do. Happy hour while wearing your best-fitting button down? Absolutely. A simple run to the grocery store to pick up some drinks might end with you leaving with something else to “cure your thirst.” So why not wear those jeans that hug your ass the best? Throw on that low-cut shirt and take that coffee shop by storm!
Just remember, the next time you find yourself incredibly frustrated at the amount of sex you haven’t been getting, you’re becoming a better person because of it, whether you learned a new joke so you have an opener for that hottie on OKCupid, or you’ve hit the gym six times this week because of the dreamy front-desk worker. We’re all happy that you’re finally bettering yourself, even if it is out of desperation and completely on accident.