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“I heard Donald Trump yelled at a baby the other day…”

“Yeah? That’s nothing. I heard Hillary ATE a baby…”

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It’s been a weird election cycle to say the least. What has been at times the most comical, sensationalized, and tawdry of elections is kept in check by the daily reminder of how truly significant it remains. For the most part, PressureLife has stayed out of the political fray, but things are getting weird. With fewer than 100 days left before Election Day in November we can no longer waffle along the sidelines. It is from the desk of our own Weekly Politic that PressureLife releases its very first political endorsement for…

VERMIN SUPREME!

Yes, the guy with fishing boot on his head. No, wait, where are you going? We’re serious. Sort of.

In an election year where politicians can withhold endorsements of their party’s own candidate while still vowing to vote for him, we at PressureLife are doing the exact opposite! We know how important your vote is and respect your decision no matter your choice. While we at the office may be voting otherwise, PressureLife is proud to endorse Vermin Supreme for President of the United States of America.

While other politicians are content on dividing America, Vermin Supreme will take anybody’s helpand we do mean anybody. While other candidates are out on the campaign trail deceiving America, Vermin Supreme merely promises each and every citizen their very own pony. Other nominees offer tough talk on defeating Daesh; Vermin Supreme is the only candidate that has made it a campaign promise to go back in time and kill Adolf Hitler once and for all. While we hope to get Vermin Supreme at the Weekly Politic desk to discuss his controversial proposal involving a secret Tooth Brush Patrol, which hypothetical critics have panned for its Orwellian undertones, the Tooth Gestapo is evidence of Vermin’s commitment to clean teeth and healthy gums.

When the Republican National Convention came to town it brought with it delegates, police, protesters, sightseers, tourists, vendors, and activists, each with their own angle and point to make. Tensions ran high, tempers flared. Only one candidate for the presidency walked amid his constituency without a single armed guard. Only one candidate was livestreamed on Facebook standing between a row of black-clad police officers and rowdy protesters. Only one candidate urged both sides to consider de-escalation and called for mutual respect. When reason failed, only one candidate permitted himself the selfless act of playing the fool so that others could find laughter at a trying time. That candidate may have worn a fishing boot on his head, but, in all sincerity, we firmly believe that Vermin Supreme willfully helped avert potential violence in the streets of Cleveland during the RNC.

Vermin Supreme peddles in that same rarified archetype as the tarot’s Fool. He speaks with the council of a court jester’s limericks. His own surreal insanity is the clearest portrait offered to the public of an American Elections gone off the rails. His non-sequitur existence is the non-campaign we deserve after giving the opinions of vapid celebrities consequence. From one bunch of weirdos to another, PressureLife celebrates the candidacy of Vermin Supreme, fully endorses him for President of the United States, and wishes the rest of our options were more supreme and less…them.

And above all else, come Nov. 8… VOTE!

Platform Beer Co
  • Adam Dodd

    Content Strategist, novelist and prolific roustabout who drinks entirely too much coffee. You can find him on Twitter @therealadamdodd

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