The 2016 Summer Olympics kick off today in Rio de Janeiro. While men and women carved of stone will compete in Brazil for their home country’s pride, there’s a few homebrewed games we’d like to see the Olympic Commission consider for the next time around. Here is PressureLife’s Top 5: Cleveland Olympic Games!
5) The East Cleveland 100m Dash (for your Life): Locals are sure to have an advantage here, with plenty of practice making that nervous sprint from the parking garage to the nightclub… or from the nightclub to your car, or from your car to your apartment, basically, anywhere in East Cleveland. Usain Bolt’s got nothing on the everyday residents who deserve Olympic gold for just trying to stay one fleet foot ahead of the criminal nightlife.
4) Water Polo (with the Fishes): So, basically water polo, but inside of that new fancy Greater Cleveland Aquarium downtown that I’ve heard so much about. I’m beginning to think this “aquarium” may not even exist as I’ve yet to actually meet someone who’s not just heard of the place but actually visited since it opened a year or two ago. Regardless, it’s in desperate need of some press. And let’s face it, so is water polo. So why not up the ante and combine the two, watching Olympians compete while treading water around a phalanx of tiger sharks and groupers? I hear the moray eels have really stepped up their defense this time around.
3) Bar Crawl Decathlon: You start off with a bag of groceries on your way home. You run into your friend, Jamie, on the way home and Jamie convinces you to hang out for just one shot. Let the games begin. From here on, the competitors must traverse through an Ohio City bar crawl while keeping the groceries from tearing through the bag and make it to their boyfriend or girlfriend’s doorstep before the ice cream can melt. The Norwegians were disqualified last year after a round of Rumple Minze found the entire team sitting on the curb eating the rocky road from the carton.
2) Pot Hole Shot Put: Work with what you know and sow what you grow. Cleveland should be leading the world in shot put given all the practice we could be having if we put all the loose chunks of asphalt that line our roads to good use. Doubling as a model of the moon’s craters, many of Cleveland’s streets are a car suspension’s worst nightmare. If they haven’t fixed them yet I would not start holding your breath now, so let’s make use of the opportunity. If we get the kids started now, we’ll have them hurling boulders like champs in time for the next Olympics. Just tell them they’re some kind of Pokemon rock animals they have to train with.
1) Sixteen Bit Trap Shooting: There’s over a dozen shooting events at this year’s Olympics. What better place to host such feats of marksmanship than the place that not only offers skeet shooting to test your acumen but big game hunting, alien raids, narcotics busts, as well as X-Wing flight simulations? 16 bit is Cleveland’s premier arcade bar; not only for their signature cocktail, The Hoff, which I learned firsthand is 1 part orange, 1 part bitters, and 10 parts essence of drunken David Hasselhoff. Anyone can hit a clay pigeon, but not everyone can hit a moving target on an orbiting Deathstar no bigger than Wamprat, especially after three Molly Ringwalds.