We’ve all heard a million reasons why not to smoke cigarettes. It makes sense.

Smokers are seen as outcasts, rebels, and nuisances. Second-hand smoke turned us into second-class citizens. Of course, it’s not for everyone, and given the health implications, I wouldn’t encourage it, but I always root for the underdog, so let’s take a look at the upside of a bad habit.


Whether you have a major business meeting first thing in the morning, or someone is simply pissing you off, smoking one down can give you a few minutes of calming respite. A cigarette break may not be what the doctor ordered, and maybe it’s just a placebo effect, but it works.


While everyone else in the bar engages in socially acceptable behavior like sloshing down drinks and trolling for strange, you and a group of like-minded individuals take your packs outside into the rain, shine, snow or sleet. 30 feet from the front door, this smoking circle comprised of friends and strangers alike inhale their way to a beautiful, instant camaraderie.


The next time you bum out a cigarette, feel good about yourself. You basically just donated to charity. That random guy who catches you chiefing outside might as well ask for a quarter, because cigs aren’t cheap. However, if there’s more than just one left in my pack, I’ll gladly oblige with a freebie. Besides, it’s smoker’s karma; sooner or later you’ll be the one looking for a nicotine handout.


Have you heard of Crazy Mountain Ranch? It’s kind of like Disney World for fans of cowboy killers. A winnable trip to this luxurious getaway is just one example of how tobacco companies give back to their loyal consumers. Sure, you’re more likely to be mailed a shirt or a beer koozie with a camel on it, but good news for thrifty smokers—these companies dole out free or cheap cig coupons like food stamps.


For the record, pot isn’t the only enhancement drug out there. Perhaps no one knows why, but for decades cigarettes have acted like the proverbial cherry-on-top, making several already enjoyable activities that much more delightful. There’s nothing quite like savoring a smoke during a hot cup of coffee, after a great meal, or even at the tail end of some mediocre sex.


Believe it or not, on many occasions “science” has claimed that cigarettes have actual medicinal benefits for the human body, and claims are usually good enough for me. Some studies have noted that smokers demonstrate a lower risk of obesity, hypertension, Parkinson’s and more, so if you’re genetically predisposed to one of these afflictions, smoke away. (Note: Cancer not included.)


Okay, so maybe not all cigarette taxes go to funding schools and feeding the underprivileged, but it’s undeniable that a decent percent of those sin taxes are pumped right back into some very important city projects. This means the more we smoke, the more we’re helping, and not to restate the obvious, but in reference to point 3, caring is sharing. So feel proud of yourself, that extra tax money is going to a good cause, and that basically earns you the title of philanthropist.


Everyone’s got something to fiend for, and a lot of it isn’t legal in this country. While others hide their various drugs and disgusting secret fetishes from the rest of society, take solace in knowing that cigarettes are perfectly lawful, readily available, and come with a much lesser degree of shame.


Forget selective healthiness. Let’s be realistic; those twilight years can be a real nightmare. If you manage to make it over the 80-year hump, you’ve got limited time and even more limited faculties. Why not scratch those last 20-some nursing home years and check out early, knowing you smoked every damn cigarette you’ve ever wanted.


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