It’s going to be a disaster getting downtown next week. If you have vacation time stored up, use it. If you work down there, good luck. Some of us can’t avoid the flustercluck and have to trudge through the melee for a week straight. With you in mind, here is Pressure Life’s Top 5 Ways to get to Work During the RNC
5) Wear a Fan, Man: Strap up that giant Fan-man suit and take to the skies. Sure, Secret Service will be buggered and most likely take a shot on your descent upon the Justice Building. But if you’re wearing a Evel Knievel red, white and blue jumpsuit while blaring “Born in the USA” from a boom box they might just assume you’re the key note speaker for the Convention and give you a direct escort.
4) Red Hat Vendor: Grab a cardboard box and write “Donny’s Hats” on its side. When blocked from advancing by Secret Service or the nominee’s Brown Shirt security forces just hold up the box with bulging eyes befitting such a calamity and exclaim, “Clear a lane! It’s an emergency. There’s a strong draft in the arena. The man needs more hats, stat!” If it has to do with Trump’s hair then I’m sure his security detail will already have explicit orders to move heaven and earth.
3) Catapult: Sure, it’s a bit archaic, but so is the Republican platform. (cue Groucho Marx eyebrow waggle) Just work your way close to the edges of the protest lines. I’m sure diehard Bernie supporters with nothing left to lose will have plenty of siege weapons just lying around for you to use. All in all, you’re probably going to enjoy a smoother ride than the RTA anyway.
2) “We’ll fix it in post…” Slide on a skin-tight green bodysuit, stay with me here. Then strap on a go-pro video projector on your head and have it project special effects all over your green-screened body. With the right video catalogue cued up you can blend into the crowd, hide as a building front or mailbox, be virtually anywhere and nowhere at the same time. Hmm… you know, on second thought, I may have just become a Batman villain. I’ll have to get back to you on this one.
1) The Darkest of Timelines: You’ll need at least a week of prep for this one. Start calling your boss with a muffled voice asking for yourself. When he asks your name tell him that (your name) would know and that you’ve come back for your inheritance. Start leaving cryptic messages around the office made of cut-out magazine letters, all of which demand “what’s rightfully mine from the womb”. On your last day, just before leaving, make a spectacle of stepping out to use the bathroom and never return.
Now, take the week of the RNC off, don’t answer your phone when work calls. They’ll be tempted to fire you when you saunter in the week after like nothing happened. Just casually stroke your new pencil thin moustache and goatee and purposely forget to answer to your own name, like, “Huh? Oh yeah, Jason. That’s… me. Right.” Then laugh maniacally as you rub your hands together. The week after that return to work as normal, sans facial hair, claiming that your evil twin, long thought absorbed into the womb when you were both embryos, returned for his birth right and had you locked in a sewer for the past week. Claim it was only your dedication to filing paperwork or serving rude out-of-towners that saw you through the harrowing crucible. Really, who could fire anybody after a tale like that?