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Dan Bernardi
[intro-text size=”25px”]Tired of the same monotonous review schemes, I volunteered for a series of alternative, high-tech experimental procedures. Monitored by the Director and crew, I am mentally displaced and implanted into a myriad of cinematic simulations, or “cims”. Fully absorbed for the duration of each run time, the sole mission is to report my findings from within the scenes. These reports are known as Total Review.[/intro-text]

– CIM #1009 – “Mike and Dave Need Wedding Dates” – 98 mins. – release: July 8th, 2016 –

It must be wedding season. Next week I’ll head to New York and watch my one and only sister walk down the aisle and marry the love of her life, and this week I’m surrounded by engineers in a lab and bound to the bio-mechanical story cimulator to check out the newest summer comedy, Mike and Dave Need Wedding Dates. According to the description on the waiver, Mike and Dave is based on “sort of a true story” and features wild and raunchy humor from the minds behind the Neighbors duology. As I contemplate the possibilities of a union between romance and rowdiness, they engage the cimulator.

It’s modern day. I’m a member of the Stangle family, your standard All-Americans who gather for cookouts, holidays, and the occasional big-blowout wedding. This year, cousin Jeanie is getting hitched and Uncle Burt and Aunt Rosie are sparing no expense for perfection. That means getting Jeanie’s brothers, Mike and Dave, under control. At Stangle family functions, they usually get blackout wasted, cause trouble, and hit on girls. Personally, I think they’re awesomely uninhibited but Burt is fed up with their antics and forces the bros to find wedding dates. Hopefully that will keep them in check.

I hang out with Mike and Dave, who are appropriately employed as alcohol salesman, as they attempt to sell themselves. The duo hit up Craigslist and commence the search for female companionship to Jeanie’s destination wedding in Hawaii. Due to the quirkiness of their request, the post goes viral and a media frenzy ensues. A parade of weirdos pour out of the woodwork, some because Dave is objectively sexy, others because Mike is a charming buffoon (or maybe not), but most because it’s a free trip to Hawaii. But at the peak of Mike and Dave’s celebrity, they get noticed by a very special pair of ladies.

I meet Alice and Tatiana- best friends, roommates, and slightly crazy. They’ve got some serious issues but are such major players in this cim that they could have called it Alice and Tatiana are Wedding Dates. Through a certain forced kismet, Mike and Dave choose these seemingly ideal girls as their dates, and the five of us travel to Hawaii. The double duos share a hilariously balanced chemistry. Even when things get loud, crude and obnoxious, I still find myself uncontrollably chuckling at their shenanigans. But the rest of the family isn’t laughing when things get turnt up to a whole nother level.

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Dave and Alice seem to get along great, but Mike and Tatiana form a whirlwind of  sexual tension and frustration. The insanity level increases as everyone spends more time together. Intentions are revealed, expectations shattered, secrets kept and revealed- all in a frantic comic fashion. As I bare witness to a series of outlandish encounters and mishaps, a sense of dread is in the air. Perhaps Uncle Burt’s plan is going to gloriously fail. Part of me hopes for the chaos; its funnier that way.

The cim ended with a bang and I left the lab chuckling over the silliness I’d just endured. Mike and Dave Need Wedding Dates was a nice island getaway… short and sweet, surrounded by amusing people, and filled with all the quarreling of your average family vacation, which is much more entertaining when you’re not directly part of the drama. The jokes flow like beer and are often crude and unusual, so if you’re a bit sensitive to R-rated humor you may want to skip the ceremony. But if you’re like me and enjoy flagrant obscenities and graphic nudity, this trip with Mike and Dave is totally worth it.

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