Illustration by Aaron Gelston

Hello there fellow psychos! It’s Halloween time, and that means you’ve gotta pony up for another fat bag of candy or five and GIVE IT ALL AWAY to those entitled neighborhood brats again.

While many of us let these feral, costumed little punks push us around with threats of trickery, some of you may be thinking about hitting them right in the pillowcase with some tricks of your own. While these may sound enticing, unless you want to spend Christmas in prison, here are the top five things NOT to slip into a kid’s trick or treat bag this Halloween.

5.) LAXATIVE INFUSED KING SIZED CANDY BARS

Every kid worth his weight in sugar knows that you have to hit up the rich neighborhoods to score the big bars. You may be thinking that the best deterrent of such behavior is a healthy dose of Ex-Lax on a Snickers. After the kid noshes on this candy bar, she’ll be using her candy bag as a diaper before she makes it to the next block. Please help us avoid excess mess this Halloween and do not surprise children with Ex-Lax. And no, we don’t recommend syrup of ipecac as an alternative.

4.) HUNDREDS OF LIVING INSECTS

For those who fondly remember the good old days of Halloween, when the neighbor down the street would chase you with a chainsaw, you may be looking to bring back some of those nostalgic scares. That’s why stuffing tiny boxes of bugs on timed release in their goodie bags sounds like a fun and scary idea. Unfortunately, you’re guaranteeing a degree of mental scarring, and honestly you have no idea if that child is deathly allergic to bees, bedbugs, or any insect you insert, which is why this one is a big buzzing no-no.  

3.) MYSTERY PILLS

It’s a devilishly simple idea really, emptying a box of Skittles or other bite sized candies, and replacing them with any old pills you have around. But sending these kids to the moon is an incredibly dangerous idea because, for a young unsuspecting trick or treater, nothing good can come from a cocktail of your stimulants, anti-depressants, pain killers, and boner meds. Even if your Ritalin helps them calm the fuck down for a change, please remember that your prescription is your own. If you don’t share your drugs with others, you have more drugs for yourself.

2.) SURPRISE DYE PACK

To punish the audacious runts who reach in for a massive handful from your candy bowl instead of taking just one like a respectable human, you’ve probably considered treating them like the little chocolate bandits they are and dropping a dye pack in their loot bag. It’s true that being sprayed in the face with a sudden burst of paint will make any kid think twice about galavanting for candy next year. The only downside is that these children are now stained with the markings of a candy whore, and have to resort to home schooling to avoid social persecution. Please, don’t support home schooling and refrain from using dye packs this Halloween.

1.) GOOD OLD FASHIONED RAZOR BLADES

In a recent poll of maniacs aged 18-80, it was found that ranging from glass to needles, razor blades ranked number one in the category of sharpest objects to stick in kids’ candy bags. If that statistic doesn’t make any sense, neither does slipping deadly shaving utensils to minors as a prank. Whether you drop the blades in loose or bake them directly into the treats, this is a surefire way to quickly make these children cry and bleed. Please be aware that it is not acceptable to make children bleed, even on Halloween.

Note that PressureLife does not condone any of this ghastly behavior and suggests you stick to classic Halloween torture treats like rice cakes, a toothbrush, a single penny, or any candy that can easily be confused as stale. Happy Halloween!

Platform Beer Co
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