Greetings Cleveland! This New Year, I predict your future will be… delicious. Did you know your favorite restaurant has more to do with when you were born than having developed an acquired taste?

For centuries followers of the ancient art of astrology claim the day you were born the stars decided if your fate was Taco Tuesday or Sunday Brunch-Day.  Behold what possibly may be the ultimate astrological guide matching Cleveland foodies with where-to-eat in the CLE.


Capricorn
Dec 22-Jan 19

Old practical sea goat’s motto is: Eat smarter not harder. Never joke about cancelling reservations. Eating while working saves time and money. Both Benjamin Franklin and Isaac Newton were Capricorns. Food must pair well with Excel spreadsheet projects. Pizza delivery is a must not a maybe. Convenient handheld food is key, preferably if someone else makes it.

Spirit Food Recommendation:

Rascal House- BLT Wrap: hickory smoked bacon, shredded iceberg lettuce, tomato, mayo, and flatbread.

11316 Euclid Ave., University Circle
http://www.rascalhouse.com


Aquarius
Jan 20-Feb 18

Eclectic and original.  Loves comic cons and Rick and Morty more than anyone else does. Your favorite food hasn’t been invented yet.  Masters of spontaneity (Capricorn’s worst nightmare) your sign wanders into places you’ve never been into before ordering foods you’ve never had before.  Favorite pastime: mispronouncing quinoa. Chef’s choice is always your choice.

Spirit Food Recommendation:

Astoria Café & Market- The Octopus: poached, grilled, white anchovy vinaigrette, green apple batons, Soppressata, fresh mint and cracked black pepper.

5417 Detroit Ave., Cleveland
www.astoriacafemarket.com


Pisces
Feb 29-Mar 20

You’ll have whatever they’re having. People-pleasing Pisces wants mood music and candlelight on a first Tinder date, effectively blowing any chance for second.  Decisions are hard. Server recommendations are a must. Like fish, you’re constantly going back to school because you can’t pick a career. Eating fish makes you cry because your sign is a fish; avoid seafood places. Lack of conversation makes eating alone impossible.

Spirit Food Recommendation:  

Boiler 65- The Duo Bag one-pound shrimp, one-pound crawfish, one-pound snow crab, corn, potatoes, and sausage.

6410 Detroit Ave., Cleveland
www.theboiler65.com


 

Aries
Mar 21-Apr 19

After the bike relay food must be obtained fast because the kickball team meets in a half hour. If there’s a line Aries just can’t even. Aries and Capricorn agree about food but disagree about work ethics. The five foods that matter most are: meat, cheese, bread, vegetables, and rice. There’s no time to correctly classify tomatoes as a fruit. There’s practically no time to eat. Complex, sophisticated flavor profiles have no taste. You tend to love hot sauce.

Spirit Food Recommendation: 

Taco Tontos- Steak with rice tacos: cheese, tomatoes, lettuce.

13321 Madison Ave., Lakewood
tacotontos.com


Taurus
Apr 20-May 20

You take forever to pass the mashed potatoes because you’re talking too much. You have a lot of friends, except for Aries. You hoard friends, not things. Your social media is full of communal tables and farm to fork recipes.  Mark Zuckerberg is also a Taurus. Self-Indulgence is your middle name. You never turn down an invitation to never-ending-breadsticks and unlimited-salad-bar. Stubborn Taurus always decides where to go to eat and typically gets along great with Pisces.

Spirit Food Recommendation:

Butcher and the Brewer- Charred Broccolini: local feta, fried almonds, red wine vinaigrette.

2043 East 4th St., Cleveland
www.butcherandthebrewer.com


Gemini
May 21-June 20

You are in a state of perpetual motion. Fidget spinners were invented for this air sign. This twin sign needs twice the calories. Quick-change artists, Geminis switch things up without warning. You’re on a health kick at 2pm and downing loaded nachos at 5pm. Sweet and salty kettle corn is your snack of choice because you can’t choose one flavor profile. One ingredient is boring, there at least needs to be two. Shocker: Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen are Geminis.

Spirit Food Recommendation:

Noodlecat- Fried Chicken Bun (steamed sandwich): lettuce, tomato, pickle, miso mayo, and in-house made spicy catsup.

186 Union St., Westlake (Crocker Park)
noodlecat.com


Cancer
June 21-July 22

The full moon explains your moon sign’s sudden mood swings. Comfort food like meatloaf, BBQ, or chicken noodle soup keep crabby Cancer happy and calm. Anxiety is your enemy. You finish projects in your mind before you start them. Every Cancer you know has a fallout shelter stocked with ten year’s supply of canned goods. This loving, nurturing sign assumes friends are always hungry and not eating enough. You like to give out edible gifts.

Spirit Food Recommendation:

Melt Bar & Grilled- The Kindergarten (grilled cheese sandwich): Served on Fresh Baked Bread (There is a Gluten-free option, too), choice of cheese (American, Sharp Cheddar, Mozzarella, Provolone, Swiss, Muenster, Pepper-Jack, Blue Cheese, Smoked Gouda, Feta, Sweet Cream Cheese, and Herbed Cream Cheese). Also available for a modest $2 more in Vegan Mozzarella or Vegan Cheddar.

14718 Detroit Ave., Lakewood
meltbarandgrilled.com


Leo
July 23-Aug 21

You say it’s impossible and Leo says, “I do what I want.” Barrack Obama is a Leo. Opinionated Leo is the fire sign responsible for 80% of bad Yelp reviews. A Leo party is always catered because Leo can’t cook. Cereal is for dinner. Pizza is for breakfast. Rules don’t apply. As a child you claimed the monkey bars as your property leaving the other kids fighting over the swings. Sharing? What’s that? Your lunch in the office fridge has a combination lock on it.

Spirit Food Recommendation:

Mitchell’s Homemade Ice Cream- Banana Split: organic banana, vanilla bean, chocolate, and fresh strawberry ice creams, hot fudge and fresh strawberry sauce, whipped cream and pecans with a Bordeaux cherry on top.

1867 West 25th St., Ohio City
mitchellshomemade.com


Virgo
Aug 22-Sep 22

Meals are intricately planned, and grocery lists are written for the entire month ahead. Nine out of ten food service workers agree Virgos ask the most questions and spend at least forty-five minutes before ordering to meticulously analyze the menu. Common questions: Is it organic? Is it locally sourced? Is it gluten-free? You’re called The Virgin because it’s always your first time at a restaurant. You remain unmarried because everyone is fundamentally wrong for Virgo.

Spirit Food Recommendation:

Forage Public House- Lakewood Citizen Salad: organic wild arugula, seasonal berries with dried cranberries, roasted sunflower seeds, lec chèvre, and apple cider vinaigrette.

14600 Detroit Ave., Lakewood
foragepublichouse.com


Libra
Sep 23-Oct 22

Libra is sometimes called an airhead because this air sign’s head is always in the clouds. Lovers of both five-stars and dive-bars. You have the perfect outfit for every occasion. Your closet is as cluttered as your mind. Eminem is a Libra. You match charcuterie trays with book clubs and hot wings with game days, but you don’t have a favorite book or sport because they all have something to like. In all honesty and fairness, all food is your favorite.

Spirit Food Recommendation:

B Spot- The Old School sandwich: Thick-cut bologna, dill pickles, American cheese and yellow mustard.

20 Main St., Westlake (Crocker Park)
bspotburgers.com


 

Scorpio
Oct 23-Nov 21

According to Scorpios, the only true foodies are Scorpios. Favorite pastime? Ordering “off menu.” Special talent? Knowing every burger franchise’s “secret sauce.” Scorpios use phrases like “strong flavor profile,” “simply decadent,” and “out of this world.” You’re fond of both plating and presentation. If anyone can put a “sexy twist” on a peanut butter and jelly sandwich it’s going to be you. Ryan Gosling shares your sign. Scorpios love seafood because just like you, they’re quite the catch- and both make Pisces cry.

Spirit Food Recommendation:

AlleyCat Oyster Bar- Drunken Shrimp Linguine: rock shrimp, leeks, bacon, tomato, white wine garlic cream.

1056 Old River Rd., Cleveland
www.alleycatoysterbar.com


 

Sagittarius
Nov 22-Dec 21 

Adventurous, exotic, a little irresponsible. Sagittarians carelessly eat their lobster nachos without a napkin. The tragedy in life is soup can’t be eaten with your hands. Fusion food is your thing, but stop trying to make “Greek and Thai” happen. You really don’t care what others think of you though, which is your strongest trait. Both Jay-Z and Miley Cyrus are Sagittarius.

Spirit Food Recommendation

Voodoo Tuna- Shrimp Po Boy: fried tiger shrimp, Brussel sprout slaw, sriracha and spicy mayo.

15326 Detroit Ave., Lakewood
www.voodootuna.com

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