It’s been a long, hard haul for many of the politicians, business tycoons, surgeons, and celebrities running for the nomination of their respective party.
Their slow march to the White House can seem Sisyphean when you consider how far we still are from the first round of primary voting to be held in Iowa next year. With the frontrunners of each party holding a commanding lead for a considerable bulk of the calendar, it would be easy for a struggling campaign to lose heart and consider packing it in. Well, I’m here to offer a glimpse of the bright side of running a terminally fucked campaign with no chance of winning. Mainly, because we all lost Lincoln “block of granite” Chaffey too soon and I can’t lose the comedic gold that is the rest of the dozen also-rans.

Take heart, Senator Lindsey Graham. Sure, you’re one of the most experienced candidates running in either party but this isn’t an election cycle where that applies. Never mind that you’ve never been able break free from the “kiddie table” at the past three Republican conventions, effectively confirming your lack of electability. At least people don’t know that you barely qualified for the undercard debate at all. Needing at least one percent in the past seven national polls in order to take the stage, it was the final CNN poll that put Graham at a triumphant one percent so he could squeak onto Wednesday’s debate in Boulder, Colorado.

At least now you don’t have to worry about conducting yourself professionally in public anymore. Before the debate, the Senator stopped off at a local brewery for some press as well as libations. Moonlighting as a bartender, he passed out shots and poured drafts that were, by local accounts, all foam. Hero of the night, CNN correspondent, Dana Bash, was obligated to step in and take over pouring lest the patrons be subject to enduring a Lindsey Graham campaign stop stone cold sober.

“I’m pouring too fast,” the Senator was quoted before discussing foreign policy. After a few drinks, the Senator decided to play “date, marry, or disappear forever”, which we all know as “fuck, marry, kill”, with female political figures as his choices. I can understand Lindsey Graham being a complete moron but how does he not have a single handler, press agent, or friend to tell him that this was a toxic question so misogynistic Trump would blush? His answer was Sarah Palin, Carly Fiorina, and Hillary Clinton, respectively, if you were curious.

Another Kiddie Table alumni, Rick Santorum, has not been given much of the national spotlight. If you were confused to whom he was I recommend you Google his name. Go ahead, I’ll wait.
You’ll always have that, Ricky. Always.

Martin O’ Malley is across the aisle running a noble, but equally doomed campaign against Bernie Sanders and Hillary Clinton. The last man standing of the also-rans, O’Malley was able to tread enough water in the first democratic debate to outlast Jim Webb and Lincoln Chaffey. With Clinton and Sanders focusing their attacks only on each other, O’Malley can put his campaign on cruise control, run it for five dollars a day in his underwear back home in Maryland and still get free National press coverage on a daily basis. Now would be a good time to come out with that memoir no one will read.

I admit to finding some perverse pleasure in watching Jeb Bush wither on the vine. Every time they march him out in front of a crowd I can see a little bit more of what passes for a soul among the Windsor-Bush bloodline eking away from his hangdog face. A year ago, the popular consensus was that Jeb Bush would be the presumptive front-runner for his party. To date, he has yet to see double-digit support in any polling results among any category of voter. Where some people are thin-skinned, Jeb is a sponge. It is abundantly clear Bush the III grew up sheltered and never learned how to deal with the bully on the playground. For as bright as he is touted to be, this Yale graduate has yet to figure out how to deal with the taunts from a man without a single political credential or experience.

But that’s okay, Jeb has already made his bones about it. “I’ve got a lot of other really cool things I could other than sit around being miserable, listening to people demonize me.” As to whether those “really cool things” included the half-finished puzzle of the Millennium Falcon he was working on or the trampoline Stan down the street just got, the former Florida Governor did not elaborate. He went on to campaign by surrender by saying, “I want no part of that. Elect Trump if you want that.”

And if Bush gets really down fixating over the eight percent polling ceiling his campaign has stalled at, he can exact some joy in looking around to his nearest competitors who view eight percent as a campaign triumph. Candidates like Cruz, Paul, Fiorina and Huckabee have busted ass trying to catch up to the nearest pack leader in Jeb Bush who has no chance at the nomination. That would be depressing, but only if you were trying to win. These primaries were never about becoming President of the United States. This was about gaining enough Twitter followers, Facebook friends, and Youtube viewers to push your latest autobiography. Just ask Hillary Clinton, Ben Carson, Mike Huckabee, Marco Rubio, Rand Paul, Rick Santorum, Ted Cruz and Jeb Bush- all of which had memoirs released this year or are in the process of writing one in time for the holiday season.

And in that regard, isn’t everyone a winner… aside from the literate?


  • Avatar

    Content Strategist, novelist and prolific roustabout who drinks entirely too much coffee. You can find him on Twitter @therealadamdodd