Forget flying cars; it’s 2018 and we can’t even connect to Wifi easily

Fair warning: I am about to complain about the state of technology in 2018. Yes, I am fully aware of how difficult it is to make this stuff. I am also aware I cannot claim to have made anything better. This is a satirical piece in a culture and lifestyle magazine; get off your high horse dude.

WiFi is not pronounced ‘Wee-Fee”

It’s almost 2019. Connecting to WiFi should be as easy as plugging in a toaster to an outlet and provide a strong signal throughout your entire house. More specifically, my dad should be able to figure it out. I am sick of going over there once a week just to get him back online. While I’m making a wishlist, WiFi access should be treated as a public utility and made more accessible and affordable for everyone. Ajit Pai, I hope you get a paper cut in the webbing of your fingers and Barack Obama spills lemon juice on it.

Bluetooth

Bluetooth is still a nightmare. As if the endless battery draining from searching for a signal wasn’t egregious enough, my wife’s car intercepts my phone calls if we drive past each other on the road. My phone can’t decide which smart Bluetooth speaker to connect to when I walk into my house, so it connects to all of them, which may occasionally result in the accidental audio broadcast of whatever video I am trying to watch. What could go wrong?

WiFi-Enabled Garage Door Openers

I bring this up only because I just bought one. Think of how nice it would be for my family to replace carrying a garage door opener with a smartphone app. Wrong sucka, only one user allowed! I guess it’s completely unheard of for families of four to own houses with garages. I am the garage master now.

Internet-Connected Refrigerators

Just because you can doesn’t mean you should. I get it; after 20 years of the internet, we get bored, start looking around, and come up with some funny ideas about what else we can stick our internet in these days. Guys, it’s a fridge. The internet really isn’t making it do anything better or more useful. First person who says, “but I can make grocery lists with it!” gets punched in the pen and paper (if you know what I mean).

Clocky, the Alarm Clock on Wheels

There are no curses strong enough for this idiocy, and not just the stupid name. Clocky is an alarm clock on wheels that runs away from you when you try to turn it off. If you spend money on this you deserve… oh, I don’t know what you deserve, but at the very least I hate you. If you have a snooze button problem, maybe you aren’t ready to be an adult. Or maybe you just need to put the alarm clock further away from your hand and mail me the check for $40.

Typing on Firestick Remote

I know, I know—they have the voice activated ones now, but searching for The Handmaid’s Tale by selecting tiny letters on a crappy pseudo-keyboard on my TV with that stupid little circle remote should qualify as a Dystopian future nobody wants. Also, Firesticks slow down and become increasingly unresponsive after a few months, just so you know. How do you like me now, Jeff Bezos?

Personalization Algorithms

Listen up Spotify. You don’t know me. I looked up some weird Swedish death metal one time and my daughter used my account to play acoustic pop love songs. Stop suggesting playlists without considering why a guy who has listened to a steady diet of Led Zeppelin and ‘90s alternative for the last three years suddenly played one lousy Ed Sheeran song (I know, they’re all lousy). Don’t even get me started on Amazon. You look up the wrong thing one time and those ads will follow you around the entire internet like a giant, festering cold sore. Best case is you spoil a gift for your wife. Worst case is you reveal a, well, let’s call it a “secret hobby.”

I could go on, but my editors say I’m out of space. The main message here is I just thought we’d be a little further along at this point. Oh, and don’t buy anything mentioned here for Christmas.