(Will you) Mary Me

Congratulations! You’re single again! Welcome back to a life of freedom! No one to tell you what to wear, who you can and can’t follow on Instagram, or that it’s “inappropriate” to have a “sixth” vodka soda at their company’s “Christmas party” and call their boss a “bitch.” Why even have an open bar at that point?

These next few months are about you. Finding you, being you, and loving you, no matter how many La Croix’s and hikes that takes. Who needs your ex, anyway? All the two of you did was spend four of the most formative years of your adult lives together, learn how to cohabitate with another human being, truly open up to someone like you never have in the past, and gave your all to a relationship that made you grow as both a person and a partner. Alas, here you are.  Single. Ready to take on the dating world by storm!

So, let’s do what any respectable, heartbroken, half day-drunk person does when looking for new love; go to your phone’s app store and make it happen! After taking 45 minutes to reset your AppleID password and actually download the app, open that sucker up and get that profile going!

First, pick the five absolute best photos that have ever been taken of you. Make sure they are from when you were in peak physical condition; you in your college football uniform or a beach pic from your girls trip to Put-In-Bay in 2012 are great places to start. You want to put your best foot forward, so make sure that you order the pictures in a way that makes you go full blown Buffalo Bill. Not in the, “trap the first person you match with in a weird sex well and try to wear their skin” kind of way, but in the, “overly confident, balls tucked back, ‘I’d fuck me’” kind of way.  

Now, it’s time for the bio. Start with the basics: what you like to do for fun, how much you love your dog, the fact that you are a diehard Cleveland sports fan, and that you’re interested in more than just a hookup. Throw in a quote from The Office, sprinkle in a few emojis, use the word “journey,” and let the swiping begin!

It’s day one, so chances are you’re not going to be half as liberal with your right swipes as you are with your breakdowns on social media, and that’s okay! The first day on a dating app is like episode one of The Walking Dead where you’re Rick Grimes coming out of a coma. You’ll look at the first zombie you’ve ever seen as if it’s still human and just apologize and promise you’re going to make it right. It’s cute that you still have standards, really.

You come across someone attractive who appears to have their shit together and thank god they’re not holding a fish in any of their pictures. Swipe right and whaddayaknow, it’s a match! You initiate the conversation and it’s a little awkward at first, but your date seems to be okay with the fact that you’re new to this and take your mind off of how strange it is that people are essentially playing a video game with their love lives. You joke, you laugh, you exchange numbers, and begin to text. What’s the fuss all about? This is easy, and actually kind of fun!  

You plan to meet up next week and continue to text until before you know it, the date is tomorrow. You’re terrified. You haven’t been on a first date since Vine was a thing. What will you wear? What if your date don’t look like the same as in the pictures? Holy shit, you could legit get murdered.

So many thoughts are racing through your head that you text your new muse to confirm the date and ease your nerves. Nothing. Maybe they’re busy? Give it a few hours. Some work places have weird rules about phones at their desk, and honestly, “social media coordinator” sounds like one of those, right?

You wait to text them again until the next morning. No response. Why? They gave you a “hahahahhaha” instead of an “lol” on multiple occasions. How could they just stop responding?  All of a sudden, that hurt, pain, anger, and disappointment that got you onto this app in the first places comes flooding back and you don’t know to react. Did you just get ghosted? Is this what you’ve heard so many horror stories about? Do people seriously not even have the decency to respond?

Congratulations! You’re single again! Welcome back to a life of freedom! It’s going to get worse before it gets better. Keep your chin up and just remember that dating blows, but it doesn’t have to suck.